My Bed Of Roses

My Mother used to call me a late bloomer. That was what she would say when I was "chasing" boys, or getting ahead of myself. I am a Thursday's Child -- I have far to go. So here I was growing up with the knowledge that I was going to bloom late and that I had far to go till I did so. And I felt invisible. I had no idea it would take me till I was nearly 39 to "get" it, to really understand. Now, I'm not sure my Mother knew what she meant, either.

That's me in the pictures. I have spent a whole lifetime apologizing for myself. Dieting, exercising and wishing. Wishing I was someone else, wishing that my life would start and that my life would be "thin". Wishing guys would fall all over themselves because of my beauty. Holding off beginning a singing career because someone told me I would never make it unless I was several sizes less than I was. I had no idea I was wishing myself away.

You know, once I was walking across a street, simply walking, and some stupid teenage boy screams at the top of his lungs, "You hunking piece of sh*t!". There was no one else on the street at that time, and he had looked in my direction. It could have been meant for no one but me. Even hispanic children who thought I didn't speak any Spanish would point and say, "Papi, papi, gorda!" Translation -- Daddy, Daddy look at that fat lady!

I withered inside, sure I was unlovable. Even my Mom, who I really love and is really a terrific mom, failed with me in this respect. "You're beautiful, but you need to lose weight." Too bad she didn't switch it around to say, "You need to lose weight, but you're beautiful." I was 33 years old before I could hear the word beautiful used toward me and not cringe because inside my head I heard my mother saying, "...but you need to lose weight...".

Someone loved me, though. He asked me to marry him. Then proceeded to compare me to every woman on the street and in girlie magazines for the next 3 1/2 years. He asked for a divorce, saying he didn't love me anymore.

I was alone for awhile, by choice, because I was Mormon, and I was now over 25 and all the Mormon men my age were already married and starting families. Some choice! But I didn't date anyone. I was truly alone by choice. I had friends I had moved in with, friends I had fun with. But no boyfriends. That went on for 5 years. Then I met Chrys and my life turned a corner. She pursued me for a year. I held her at arms' distance because I was Mormon and I wasn't sure we would be right. I had never been with a woman. I finally gave in one rainy Sunday in February 1990 and never looked back.

She got me a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I read it. That helped heal some of the wounds. I became interested in Wicca and grew into a more "whole" person than I had ever been. And Chrys helped in other ways. She told me I was beautiful until I didn't flinch. That took three years. I remember the first time she saw my body naked she said she wanted to shoot all those people who had told me I wasn't beautiful. She was patient and a dear. Still is.

Chrys and I weren't working out 6 years later, but we decided to still share Our House for financial reasons at first, but also because we rediscovered our friendship and wanted to be close. We had gotten the net, and I had discovered something -- I had personality. But I still felt unloved. I found two "net" boyfriends, and both had dumped me for various reasons. Not my weight, but it still gave me the feeling that "true love" would never visit me this life. That's when my Wonderful Husband™, Ashe, messaged me in chat to tell me he had feelings for me. (Go here for the story. And there's a page dedicated to him entirely here.) Actually, his feelings for me are so total that I can no longer feel invisible, because he seems to see only me. He tried to tell me I can be whatever I wanted and that I should stop wishing and start doing. And I began to see.

I began to have an ever widening circle of friends, I was writing. I co-wrote a script with my husband and my friend. I had men and women off and on the net who competed for my affections and were disappointed I was settled on Ashe and no one else. I was popular, and the driving factor in all this had been my 'tude. I had some. I didn't before. At least you don't see it in old photos.

But I still felt self-conscious. I still felt that my life was on hold while I "wished" to be thin. Until I read a story by Shannon O'Donnell called The Woman Who Was Too Big For God. Read it! You'll never look at yourself the same way again. Couple that with the things Dr. Estes says in her Joyous Body chapter of Women Who Run With The Wolves (quoted here for your convenience) and I can now say that I am not invisible. I have begun to write poetry, religious chants, even stories and screenplays and musicals. I am singing and thinking of song ideas again. I have someone who falls all over himself over my beauty -- my husband. I have begun teaching Wicca to a good friend and I enjoy my life. I no longer wish myself away, or wish myself "thin". There are other fish to fry. I have made my bed, and from the fragrance I'd say it is a bed of roses.

And I will happily lie in this one.