In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

4. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

6. Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?

7. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

9. You're sweeter than glucose.

10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?

12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?

13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

14. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com

15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

Just passing on a silly story...

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi, George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

Physics Story

A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

Is God an engineer? Which kind?

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing about what type of engineer God is. Of course, since they're engineers, they all think they're right. So the Chem-E gets up and declares,"God had to be a chemical engineer. Look at all of the veins and chemical flow rate problems in the human body!"
But the others would have none of it. "No way. Look at all the joints and motion in the human body.God had to be a mech-e," declared the mechanical engineer. But the electrical engineer couldn't believe it. "No way. Look at all the electric currents in the nervous system. God had to be an electrical engineer." But the civil engineer wouldn't have it. "Come on guys, you're overlooking the obvious. God had to be a civil engineer. Look at the female body. He ran a sewer through a playground."

Two groups of students- math and engineering majors- boarded a train that was headed for a technical convention. Each of the math majors had a ticket, but their engineering counterparts had only one ticket between them.
The math majors were snickering at this when an engineering student shouted, "Here comes the conductor!" With that, all the engineering majors squeezed into a bathroom. The puzzled math students watched as the conductor collected their tickets, then knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The conductor took the single ticket that was passed under the door and left.
Not to be outdone, the math students boarded the returning train with only one ticket, and again they laughed because their rivals had no ticket at all.
When the engineering lookout yelled, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers crowded into one bathroom, while the math majors piled into another. Then, before the conductor entered the car, one of the engineers came out of the bathroom and knocked on the math major's door. "Ticket please," he said.

How does an engineer calculate the air flow over a camel?

First, assume the camel is spherical...

An engineer races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

last updated September 20, 1998