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Dear Miss Jones:
I am very happy that you will be little Susie's teacher this year. We all
look forward to a very successful school year.
I would like to request that you excuse Susie from "Relaxation Time"
today. Could you also excuse her from "Spirit Guide Day" and AIDS
Day and D.A.R.E. Day? She also won't be participating in the Environmental
Workshop or Yoga Day or National Tolerance Week.
In fact, please pardon her from the "Voodoo and You" Workshop and the "Demon Look Alike Contest." She'll be absent during "Homosexual Appreciation" Month and she won't be bringing any show-and-tell to the Roe vs Wade Party. Please opt Susie out of the Gaiya Celebration on Earth Goddess Day.
She also will not be attending the Patsy Schroeder Speech on Career Day. I would also like to ask you to exempt her from the Margaret Sanger Birthday Party and she won't be dressing up as Primordial Slime on "Big Bang" Day. Susie will not be taking the Performance-Based Test on Sex Education, either.
Please further excuse my daughter from performing in the "Salute
to the UN" school play. We will make other plans on Wednesday mornings,
so she will not be getting in touch with her rage over my parenting style
in "Feeling Circle" in Counselor Smith's office. Also, she will
be missing the "R-Rated-Video-of-the-Week-Club" on Thursday afternoons.
It will not be necssary for Susie to receive the free eye exam, vaccinations,
scoliosis screenings, lice checks or any other medical procedure for that
matter. That reminds me, please return the enclosed free condom packets
and Ritalin Sampler to the nurse with our thanks. We will not be needing
them.
I know that you are attempting to be an advocate for my child. I really
appreciate your thoughtfulness in preparing this voluntary compact for me
to sign to make sure that you hold me accountable as the parent of my child.
What would parents do if the state and local school boards weren't so caring
for our best interests? I sure hope the voluntary drug tests are so well
received.
If there are any intimate details that you need to know about our personal
family life, habits, number of guns we own, dicipline style or our location
of worship, you can bypass that boring old ISTEP Plus Test and just ask
me. I'll be happy to help.
Please check your calendar, Miss Jones, and let me know which three days
you are planning on teaching academics this year. I'll drop Susie off at
your classroom on those days. On second thought, you are already so very
busy. Never mind, I'll just teach Susie myself.
Sincerely,
Susie's Mom
