At the time of this writing, I'm in fear for my life from certain members of the Knott estate as well as the American Broadcasting Company. But I feel this story must be told, although it's a work still in progress. Many have asked the question "What does a man have, if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?" Well, the whole world for one. It's not exactly his immortal soul, but it's not too shabby. This is the story of Barney Fife:

In the nineteen eighties, the prophet, Aron Spelling foretold of the Anti-Fell, and in fact, believed he was already alive and living in Southern California. Our story starts in a town called Mayberry.

It was there that a man of truth, who would come to be known as Matlock, would cast the Anti-Fell out of Mayberry, not knowing that it would ultimately lead to the Anti-Fell's rise in the eighties on prime time television.

But he was not alone, there was Opie, who would later go on to happier days with Tom Bosley, Marrion Ross, Henry Winkler, Penny Marshall and, who could forget, Donny Most and Anson Williams.

Winkler would appear in an movie called "Nightshift" with a scantily clad Shelley Long, who later starred in Cheers before making really bad movies like, "Troop Beverly Hills."

And Opie decided that he, like all bad actors, "wanted to direct." But woe to Penny Marshall, who betrayed Shirley Feeney for a life of sin, and cast aside her humble sidekicks, Lenny and Squiggy.

But none of this can shed anymore light on the subject, than those immortal words:

What do those words mean to you? Are they just phrases that you repeat mindlessly while doing the dishes, or do they have a deeper meaning? Do they have a lasting and vital significance to your life?

Repent, Infidels! Those who have turned away from "Nick at Night." Those who no longer give alms to Gilligan and the Skipper. Repent and you shall be saved! There's still time. Before Stanley Roper returns and casts out the demon, that wretched soul. That wolf in sheep's clothing - Mr. Furley.

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Don't be deceived by his seemingly guiless ways and his 3 share in the Neilson's. He is a scoundrel!! A deceiver!! And a really bad dresser to boot. Trust no one that hides behind a character named Barney Fife. He is a fiend who's debauchery is unknown to man, although common among the Screen Actor's Guild.