Joe's somewhat clean joke page

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so to raise extra
funds, they opened up a small florist shop to sell the product from their
beautiful gardens . Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the holy men, the
rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. Later he
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored his pleas.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business.
They ignored her, too.
So finally, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
most vicious bully in the village, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop
forever.
Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ole is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a
gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives at the
island. She comes up to Ole and says,
"How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers.
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls
out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag
and says,
"Man, oh man! that's good!"
Then she asks,
"How long has it been since you had an Aqua Vit?"
He replies,
"Ten years!"
Then she reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out
a bottle and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says,
"Wow, that is fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her
wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you had what you've dreamed of?"
And Ole replies,
"My God! Don't tell me you've got lutefisk and lefse in
there!?!?!?!?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last
cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing,
rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was
busily baking
cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife
suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why
did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral" she replied.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

40 YEARS AGO

A husband and wife are out for a drive through the countryside. They
reach a familiar spot and the wife says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing
we did here forty years ago!"

The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he
immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like
never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably; and
when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED!

After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite
astounded says: "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years
ago-or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember."

The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: "FORTY YEARS
AGO THAT DAMN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the
stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came
up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff,
and blow your house down." So he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and
said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and
said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!"
And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the
brick pig's house and said "Let us in!

"The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the
brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said
"I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick
pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and
called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this
big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive
pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came
over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded
to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and
fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they got back into their limo
and drove off, leaving the wolf dead on the street.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the
brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea
Pigs."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "And if
I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into
the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, Let us sing
Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. Hmmm, Clinton must have visited here.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea see
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error write
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore you pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

LOG ON; making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your bare foot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilink too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
SCREEN: vhat ya gotta fix on da windows before black fly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch on during
Green Bay Packers games
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay field last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Einar Matrix's vife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Mises can find dem
SOFTWARE: da plastic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little drops in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:
vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da vife asks about it

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
(ed: guess they did not have personal ads then)

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the
cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds
like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

After having their 11th child, a Swedish couple decided that was enough.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix that problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Swede said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but
I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me."

The couple drove to Norway to get a second opinion. The Norwegian
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy
when he noticed that they were from Sweden. This doctor instead told the
man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold
it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other
hand.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You know you're in El Paso when:

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...

You can say 110 degrees without fainting...

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...

You can make instant sun tea...

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car..

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance...

Hot water now comes out of both taps...

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on
the streets...

You actually burn your hand opening the car door...

You break a sweat the instant you step outside...at 7:30 a.m. before work...

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air
conditioning...

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"...

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state...

It's so hot in El Paso:

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to
pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard
boiled eggs.

It's so dry in El Paso:
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.


A sad El Pasoan once prayed, "I wish it would rain, not so much
for me, cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old."

A visitor to El Paso once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A
rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part
in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The
visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." Well," the
rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches during that
spell."

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FASHION STATEMENT

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker
is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were
into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Subject: Do you have two cows?

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

CITY OF LOS ANGELES (PG 13)
High School Math Proficiency Exam

NAME: __________________

GANG: __________________

1.Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each driveby shooting, how many driveby shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

3.Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

4.Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?

5.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the witch that spent his money?

6.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

7.If the average spray can covers 22 feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

BALLOONIST

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts,
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going,
but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were
before we met, but now it's my fault."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife
the sheerest lingerie he can find.

"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!" he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying,
"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is
so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm
wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he
won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing
at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how
do you like it?" she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500
they'd iron the thing."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WHAT IF DR. SEUSS WROTE COMPUTER TECH MANUALS?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then
the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And
your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your
situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So
your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as
well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who
wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that
they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left
leg in and...well, you know the rest.

OLE: I heard data Knute Hegermoe got arrested for indecent exposure.

Lars: Yah . . . he vas out in public and had to count to 21.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."