THE END IS NEAR

by Ed Cheaz

THEY don't want you to know. THEY will do anything to conceal the truth- lie, steal, bop you on the head. I have seen the beans and I know they exist. One of them took a bath in my coffee. But then two members of a secret organization (MIB I believe) assaulted me and attempted to convince me that I did not see what I know I saw. When their flashlight did not remove my memory one of them used a mallet to bean me. However, just yesterday as I was talking to a therapist my memory of the incident (along with my memory of my name and address) returned. Since then I have talked to everybody I could in order to amass the following information.

 

 

 

 

There are seven of these beans. Although resembling large jelly beans, these beans are definitely not full of sugar, spice and everything nice. They're not the kind of bean you'd find inside a pot of chili, a bean burrito or a Beanie Baby for that matter. Evidentially each of the beans embodies a particular human vice or fault. When they sense even the smallest amount of their particular vice in a person, they strike. They increase their victim's vice one-hundred fold, causing a great deal of trouble. The victim's physical strength is also augmented by the bean which often makes the situation even worse. So far it's been determined that the beans can affect their victim through two means; either the victim is bitten by the bean or else the victim foolishly sucks on the bean. The length of the beans' effects on a human is not certain. What is certain is that the beans are bringing about the end of the world! We are all doomed! Doomed! Seven deadly sins! Seven dwarfs! Seven beans! There's a pattern! It's a conspiracy!

 

 

 

HAIRY EXPERIENCE

by Andrew Hole

I am an employee at the Chestnut Hill mall and yesterday started like any other day- ringing up sales, cleaning up messes in aisle 7 and keeping tone deaf delinquents off the karokee machine in the electronic department. But then I was assaulted by a red bean. I was bitten on my left buttock and after that I lost control. I remember what happened but its a bit of a blur. I was pissed already but after that bean bit me I got even more mad. I just swelled up just like the hulk- except I didn't turn green in color and I was covered in red fur. It was a horrible experience but...actually I did like the added hair. I don't like to admit it but I am a member of the Hair Club for Men. So if anyone finds that red bean please contact me through the paper I will be willing to pay a sizable fee for it if found.