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Dogma
by
Kevin Smith
EXT. ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK - DAY
Jersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier, the ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline.
An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away from besmirching the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat. His face belies good years gone by - a face that has seen more sunrises than one would suspect. He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small, satisfied smile cross his face.
Behind him, a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on the boardwalk. Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing a street hockey ball between them proficiently. The Old Man views them briefly, checks his watch, and looks back toward the ocean.
The skates of the three hockey-playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up to their faces - now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod.
Their skates glide out of frame.
POV SKATERS - The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach. We get closer and closer to him until...
One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhales violently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagely beating on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them. Repeatedly their blades crash down hard on his head.
OC VOICE
I don't understand - how can you base your lack
of belief in God on the writings Lewis Caroll?
The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse. Satisfied, they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk.
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
LOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through the metal detectors. The Nun carries a donation can.
LOKI
Leaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely
at 'Through the Looking Glass' - particularly 'The
Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's the
metaphorical meaning?
NUN
I wasn't aware there was one.
LOKI
Oh, but there is - it colorfully details the sham
that is organized religion. The Walrus - with his
girth and good-nature - obviously refers to either
the Buddha, or - with his tusks - the lovable
Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. This takes care
of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is an
Obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was
purportedly raised the son of a carpenter. He
represents the Western religions. And in the poem,
what do they do? They dupe all the oysters into
following them. Then, when the oysters collective
guard is down, the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck
and devour the helpless creatures, en masse. I
don't know what that says to you, but to me it
says that following faiths based on these
mythological figures insures the destruction of
one's inner-being.
BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eats popcorn and stares at...
A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting loved ones, family.
OC LOKI
Organized religion destroys who we are or who we
can be by inhibiting our actions and decisions out
of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes
a finger at us from thousands of years ago and
says "No, no!"
Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him, kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun.
LOKI
'Through the Looking Glass' - a children's tale?
I think not.
NUN
(really dazed)
I've... I've never really thought about it like
that...
(beat; shocked; off her cassock)
What have I been doing with my life...?
LOKI
Don't look back. Just get out there and taste
life.
(off donation can)
Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for
the gullible - it's another way the church is
trying to control you. You take that money you've
been collecting for your parish reconstruction and
go get yourself a nice piece of ass. You deserve
it.
The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something. A passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Loki faces the proper direction in his seat and plops down beside the still-transfixed Bartleby.
BARTLEBY
(looking OC)
Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a
fact that there is a God. You've been in his
presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I
just heard you claim to be an atheist.
LOKI
C'mon man - you know I don't believe any of that
shit I was telling her. I just like to fuck with
the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her head
stops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the
Just again. But oh. will she have a bunch to
confess.
(looks around)
Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you
feel the need to come here all the time?
BARTLEBY
(off travelers)
I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best.
Look at them.
A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two young LOVERS to embrace and kiss passionately.
OC BARTLEBY
All that tension, all that anger and mistrust,
forgotten for one perfect moment when they come
off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't
even know that the girl cheated on him while he
was away.
OC LOKI
She did?
Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals.
BARTLEBY
Uh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this
moment because they're both so relieved to be with
one another. I like that. I just wish they could
all feel that way more often.
LOKI
Maybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts
more often they would. Now what was so friggin'
important that I had to miss cartoons this
morning? If it was to share in your half-assed
obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'm going to
slug you.
BARTLEBY
(still looking OC)
You're never going to believe this: we're going
home.
LOKI
(off Bartleby's popcorn)
Let me have some?
BARTLEBY
(pulls out envelope)
Look what somebody sent us in the mail.
(hands him a newspaper article and corn)
LOKI
Did you say we're going home?
(reads)
"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on 'Catholicism -
Wow!' Campaign."
(to Bartleby)
And?
BARTLEBY
Keep reading.
LOKI
(reads)
"Updating the church... television spots... Papal
consent... rededication...
(to Bartleby)
Again - and?
BARTLEBY
(snatches article)
Give me this.
(getting up; reading)
"The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on
it's hundredth anniversary is the kickoff of a new
campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Church
back into the mainstream. With a papal sanction,
the archway entrance to the century old, Jersey
shore house of worship will serve as a passageway
of plenary indulgence, which - according to
Catholic beliefs - offers all who pass through
it's arches a morally clean slate."
(looks at Loki)
You still don't get it, do you?
LOKI
No, I don't get it. Are we leaving now?
They start walking.
BARTLEBY
If you walk through the church's front door on the
day of the Re-dedication ceremony, your soul is
wiped clean of any and all existing sin, more so
than the sacrament of penance could ever offer.
It's a plenary indulgence, man! I don't know why I
never thought of this before.
LOKI
(spits out chewed popcorn into trash can)
Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up.
BARTLEBY
It's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has
a papal sanction for God's sake.
LOKI
So you're saying you and I can walk through this
doorway and go back home?
BARTLEBY
No - by passing through the doors, our sins are
forgiven. Then all we have to do is die...
LOKI
Wait. wait, wait - Die? I don't want to die.
(chews popcorn)
BARTLEBY
(steps on conveyor belt)
You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons?
LOKI
No, but we don't even know if we can die. And what
if we can, but this archway thing doesn't pan out?
What then? Hell? Fuck that.
(spits out chewed popcorn into napkin)
BARTLEBY
Im possible. If we cut off our wings and
transubstantiate to complete human form then we
become mortal. And if we die with clean souls,
there's no way to keep us out. They have to let us in.
LOKI
(beat)
Who sent this thing?
BARTLEBY
I don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us,
I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is that
after all these years, we've found a loophole. He
can't keep us out anymore. And once we're back in,
I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget.
They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed.
LOKI
Yeah, but this plenary indulgence thing is a
church law, not Divine Mandate. Church laws are
fallible because they're created by man.
BARTLEBY
One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter
the first Pope by the Son of God before He left
was "Whatever you hold true on earth..."
LOKI
" ...I'll hold true in Heaven."
BARTLEBY
So if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's
dogmatic law.
LOKI
(beat; extends hand)
Let it never be said that your anal retentive
attention to detail never yielded positive
results.
BARTLEBY
(accepts hand)
You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an
anus.
LOKI
There's just one thing I think I should do before
we leave - something that'll get us back on His
good side.
BARTLEBY
What's that?
Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazine article.
LOKI
This is something I've been dreaming about for
five years now. Read.
The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongside various profit charts and text.
OC BARTLEBY
(reading)
"Mooby the Golden Calf - Creating an Empire Out of
Simplicity."
Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article.
LOKI
I want to hit them.
BARTLEBY
Are you nuts?!
(crumples article)
We're mere days away from getting back, and you
want to jeopardize it because you have a soft spot
for the good ol' days?!
LOKI
What better way to show I've repented than by
resuming the position I denied... thanks to you.
BARTLEBY
A killing spree is not going to make things better
for us.
LOKI
We're not talking about killing here. We're
talking about Divine Justice. We're talking about
punishing the wicked, raining down fire and
brimstone. He's all about that. I just know he'd
want this done.
BARTLEBY
There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you
quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Besides,
what if you're wrong?
LOKI
If I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said - we
pass through the arch and we're forgiven anyway.
They step up to an elevator and press the button.
BARTLEBY
(considering it)
Well... he does hate competition.
(reading article)
And this Mooby definitely falls under that
heading.
LOKI
The church we have to go to is where?
BARTLEBY
New Jersey. The Rededication is in four days.
The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well.
LOKI
Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd
go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
BARTLEBY
What's that?
LOKI
Let's kill people.
A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close.
OPENING CREDITS
Between black cards with white credits there are shots of the OLD MAN from the boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated in the emergency room, being hooked up to life support system, and finally resting in an intensive care wing.
EXT. ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY
The church sits on a grassy knoll in McHenry - a suburb of Chicago. Some kids tear by on bikes and egg it.
OC PRIEST
The greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life
foundation will be holding it's bi-annual softball
game against the Cook County Pro-Choice league
next Sunday at two.
INT. ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY
The PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of the faithful.
PRIEST
Those who find the weekly demonstration outside of
the Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard
to make due to work schedules are urged to show
their support in the fight against the thoughtless
and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our
boys on the field. Refreshments, as always, will
be served.
Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on. we pass the parishioners. Some listen intently, others are nodding off. One surreptitiously listens to a Walk-man; a man and a woman quietly argue while their kid colors in a coloring book, going off the page and marking the pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs through a copy of Hustler hidden by his hymnal book.
OC PRIEST
Today's second collection will be donated to the
John Doe Jersey Life Fund. For those of you who
haven't been following the news, an unidentified
homeless man who was accosted and severely beaten
at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday lies in
critical but stable condition in one of that
area's hospitals. He lacks identification and
police have had no luck in tracking down any
possible family. While he shows no signs of
recovery, the Arch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese
has disputed the state's decision to remove the
indigent man from life support systems, asking that
Catholics all over the country join in this protest
against Euthanasia. And finally - will whoever
keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank
you. Now, please rise for the recession of faith.
We believe in one God, the father...
As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY - a beautiful twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checks her watch and exhales softly.
OC VOICE
I don't really want to be here.
EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC - DAY
A small gaggle of sign-carrying Right-to-Lifer's march in front of the sterile looking building.
OC VOICE
But then again, I guess nobody ever does...
except maybe you.
INT. BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY
The source of the voice - a GIRL - sits beside Bethany's desk, stretching out her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile.
GIRL
You know, I've done this three times now; and
each time the counselor tells me I should be
more careful in the future, I should show' some
responsibility. Gotta tell you, though - this is
the first time the counselor wasn't some ugly as
hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to take abortion
advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid
in the first place.
BETHANY
I'm not here to lecture you - I'm here to make
sure you really want to go through with this.
GIRL
I'd rather go back to that night when my idiot
boyfriend swore up and down he was sterile. Short
of that, there aren't many choices left, now are
there?
BETHANY
Ever think about having it?
GIRL
(beat)
What woman doesn't on some level.
BETHANY
I never did.
GIRL
(incredulous)
You had an abortion?
BETHANY
(lights a smoke)
My first year in college. All through high school,
I'd dated the same guy - Walter Flanagan. We were
really in love, right? So much so, that we decided
to go Carnegie Mellon together... that's this
college in Pittsburgh. So there we are -away at
school, and there's suddenly no parents to worry
about anymore, so we're screwing like rabbits - just
constantly doing it. And I wound up getting pregnant.
So he begs me to have it. He says we should quit
school and get married, and I'm telling him that
that'll screw up our educations. We fought about
it for a week - my argument being there was no
rush to have kids, you know? We could always have
a baby in a couple of years - after school. So I
got the abortion against his wishes... I mean,
what the hell - it was my body, right? After
graduation, we got married and immediately set about
trying to have kids. We tried like hell for the
first six months, and... nothing. So I went to a
gynecologist to see if everything was okay on my
end.
(beat)
It wasn't.
(takes a drink)
My uterine wall had this fissure. It seems that
the doctor who performed the procedure on me years
before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able
to have a child.
The Girl's face says it all. Bethany takes a drag and continues.
BETHANY
So there I am - devastated. And now I have to go
home to break the news to my husband who years
before had begged me to have the baby - his baby.
And after I explain it to him through my tears,
he sits on the couch and rubs his eyes. And in the
calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybody
use in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I
fought him, you know? I tried to talk him out of
it; told him there were alternatives - like we
could adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife
who could have his children.
GIRL
(beat)
What happened?
BETHANY
He remarried. He had two kids in two years with
his new wife. We never spoke again. And now I do
this.
GIRL
That's like... such a sad story.
BETHANY
I dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really
into comic books. He told me I had the stock
superhero story - I wanted to prevent a wrong that
had happened to me from ever happening to anyone
else. Kind of like Batman, he said. The only
difference is I don't put on tights to do it...
unless all my other clothes are in the wash.
(smiles and puts out her smoke)
So... let's go over your paperwork.
EXT. CLINIC - DAY
A well-dressed LIZ maneuvers through the small thrall of Right-to-lifer's. They shake their placards at her accusingly.
PROTESTOR 1
You should be ashamed of yourself!
PROTESTOR 2
Child killer!
LIZ
(looking over their shoulders)
HOLY SHIT!! IT'S THE POPE!!
As the thrall turns excitedly in an effort try to spy the imaginary pontiff, Liz ducks inside the clinic.
INT. CLINIC COFFEE ROOM - DAY
A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE fills the frame - "CHURCH SAYS NO TO DEATH OF JOHN DOE". It's lowered to reveal Bethany, reading. Liz enters and hangs up her coat.
LIZ
Jesus! You're a Catholic, aren't you? Can't you
talk to them or something?
BETHANY
They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least
you have an excuse - you're Jewish, you don't
know any better.
LIZ
I don't think they'd accept that one - we already
used it as our excuse for killing Christ. So where
were you yesterday morning - a bunch of us went
out for brunch?
BETHANY
I went to church.
LIZ
That kills me. You and church. We work in a field
that specializes in pissing off the cloth and you
add insult to injury by breaking bread with them
every week.
BETHANY
I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. I
can remember sitting in church when I was a kid
and being moved - like everything meant something,
like I was important. And the stories of all these
holy people were so inspiring. Now I sit there and
think about my checking, and what I'm going to wear
to work the next day.
LIZ
So then why do you still go?
BETHANY
(beat)
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
LIZ
You think I'm going to mock your religious beliefs?
We're friends, Bethany - I may mock you for being
a divorcé at twenty five who's never had an orgasm,
but I'd never mock you for having faith.
BETHANY
That's just it - I don't. I don't think I have any
faith left.
LIZ
(making coffee)
I had a girl in here once - 'bout fifteen. She
told me that faith is like a glass of water. When
you're young, the glass is full, and it's easy to
fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the
glass gets, and the same amount of water doesn't
fill the glass anymore. Periodically, the glass
has to be refilled.
BETHANY
A fifteen year old who came in here said that?
LIZ
She had gotten knocked up by her pastor.
BETHANY
Jesus! See? A minister knocks up a teenager - isn't
anyone afraid of the Lord's wrath anymore?
LIZ
That would require faith, and that commodity lately
seems reserved only for the psychotic zealots that
hang around outside.
(collects her things to leave)
So what are you doing tonight?
BETHANY
Watching TV
LIZ
Girl, you need a man. If only for ten minutes.
BETHANY
It's been my experience that the average male is
never a man - not even for ten minutes in his
entire life span.
LIZ
Uh-oh - that sounds militant. You thinking of
joining the other side?
BETHANY
Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
LIZ
Then girl, you better get back to church and ask
God for a third option.
BETHANY
I think God is dead.
LIZ
The sign of a true Catholic.
Liz exits with her coffee. Bethany stares after her.
INT. A QUAINT SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
The Stygian Triplets kneel on one knee before a high-backed leather chair, upon which Sits a shadowy figure who we see from behind. They appear to be in a den or library.
SHADOWY FIGURE
All proceeds according to plan. No doubt, the
powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion. You
know where she is. She must be eliminated before
she enters the fray. When she is negated, there
will be nothing to interfere with our plan. Shuffle
her loose her mortal coil, that we may obtain our
final glory.
(beat)
Go.
The Stygian Triplets rise and skate off.
INT. BETHANY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
The fridge door opens and Bethany glances around inside. She pulls out a chocolate cake and closes the door.
INT. BETHANY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC TV The theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. She sips some milk from a glass and has some more cake.
INT. BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking floor board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow. She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat.
Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethany leaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can see an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze.
VOICE
(powerful; booming)
BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND
VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!
The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of the room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister, swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stops squirting and turns on her bedside lamp.
A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to the floor, hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked.
METATRON
(between coughs)
Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the
whole can?!
Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively.
BETHANY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
DOING IN MY ROOM?!
METATRON
(slowly rising to it's feet)
I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one
who's pissed. That's rich!
BETHANY
(reaching for phone, still holding bat)
I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering,
attempted arson... they're going to lock you up
for life...!
METATRON
(wiping off clothes)
No dial tone.
BETHANY
(ear to phone)
You cut the phone lines...
(even more offensive with bat)
Get the fuck out of here, now!
METATRON
Or you'll what - hit me with that fish?
The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks.
METATRON
Now just sit down on the bed and shut up!
BETHANY
Oh God - you're going to rape me...
METATRON
I'm not going to rape you.
(to itself; off clothes)
Look at my suit...!
BETHANY
Take whatever you want, just don't kill or
rape me...
METATRON
Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape
you if I wanted to.
(unzips pants and pulls them off)
Angels are ill-equipped.
Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There is nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth and anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
METATRON
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
(rings out pants)
You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think
everyone's just waiting to rape you.
BETHANY
Wh..what are you?
METATRON
I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching
everyone that comes into your room with
flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you don't get
laid.
(pulls pants back on)
Go get me a towel, will you?
Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holds it out to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off.
METATRON
(taking off jacket)
Stand back.
Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it's back, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall.
METATRON
(tosses towel away)
Like I was saying - I am the Metatron.
Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looks insulted.
METATRON
Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a
bell?
Bethany remains silent and wide-eyed. Metatron gets testy.
METATRON
You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's
not worth knowing, right?
(beat)
I am a seraphim.
(beat)
The highest choir of angels?
(beat)
You do know what an angel is, don't you?
Bethany slowly nods.
METATRON
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented
occasion when some yahoo claims to have spoken
with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're
speaking to themselves.
BETHANY
(beat)
Why doesn't God speak for himself?
METATRON
Ah. So glad you decided to join the conversation.
To answer that - human beings have neither the
aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand
the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you
to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your
heart would explode within your chest. We went
through five Adam's before we figured that out.
BETHANY
Are you going to kill me?
METATRON
I could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately
I can't. You're called.
BETHANY
(beat)
Called how? How called?
METATRON
All that from two words. Color this angel impressed.
BETHANY
(beat)
How do I know you're an angel?
METATRON
Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the
expansive wingspan? You people kill me. Fine. You
want more proof? How about a tequila?
(snaps fingers)
INT. MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT
Bethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at her pajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over.
BETHANY
Where the hell are we?!
METATRON
The only place one can go for good tequila.
(to Waiter)
Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass.
WAITER
Si.
The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as he goes.
METATRON
Gracias, senor.
BETHANY
We're in Mexico?!
METATRON
Actually, we're in the Chili's down the street
from your house, but it was still an impressive
trick.
(lights smoke)
You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm
trying to keep our profile low.
BETHANY
I suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud
that this is the weirdest dream I've ever had.
METATRON
Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse
with a person and have them insist you're a dream?
If I had an ego, it'd be bruised.
BETHANY
What do you want with me?
METATRON
I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
(pause)
You do know what a crusade is, don't you?
BETHANY
(sarcastically)
Uh, yeah.
METATRON
Don't give me that. Last time I charged someone
with a crusade they had to look the word up.
BETHANY
Why am I supposed to go on a crusade?
METATRON
Yours is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't
seem to be doing much lately.
The Waiter arrives with their drinks.
METATRON
Oh - Gracias!
(he leaves; off the tequila)
One of the only things your people have mastered
since you crawled from the primordial ooze.
(sips)
BETHANY
I work in an abortion clinic.
METATRON
(spits tequila into empty glass)
Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And
no one's even asking you to part an ocean. All you
have to do is go to New Jersey.
BETHANY
New Jersey.
METATRON
Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church
on a very important day. Agreed?
BETHANY
That doesn't sound like a crusade.
METATRON
As ide from the fine print, that's it.
BETHANY
What's the fine print?
METATRON
(mumbles into glass)
stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegating-
allexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
(sips)
BETHANY
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
METATRON
Damn, this is good tequila?
BETHANY
The first part.
METATRON
(spits into empty glass)
Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering
and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when
people need it spelled out for them.
BETHANY
Clarify that.
METATRON
That's the problem with you people - you need
every-thing clarified. No leaps of faith w hatsoever.
Alright - you want the whole secret origin? Here
goes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and
hot-tempered, and his wrath was bore by the Angel
of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah
were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped
out everything with the exception of Noah and his
menagerie? That was Loki. And he was good at what he
did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any
longer.
BETHANY
Why?
METATRON
Because he listened to his friend - a Grigori by
the name of Bartleby.
BETHANY
Grigori?
METATRON
One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers.
Guess what they do?
BETHANY
So they're like Guardian angels?
METATRON
Exactly like that, but different. So one day,
Loki's wiping out all the first born of Egypt...
BETHANY
The Tenth Plague.
METATRON
See? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they
stare at you blankly; mention something out of a
Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenly
theology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted?
(Bethany nods)
So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes
his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter
drink. And over many rounds, they get into this
discussion about whether or not murder in the name
of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles
around Loki intellectually, not to mention the
fact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in
the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his
position and take a lesser one - one that doesn't
involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki
tells God he quits: throws down his fiery sword,
gives him the finger - which ruins it for the rest
of us. because from that day forward, God decreed
that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence
all the spitting.
BETHANY
Sounds reasonable.
METATRON
Maybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature.
BETHANY
I mean about the angel of Death's resignation.
METATRON
For a liberal, yes, but this is the Angel
of Death we're talking about. The Angel of
Death can't be a conscientious objector.
The Angel of Death is charged with meting
out whatever justice God demands. So for
their insolence, God decreed that neither
Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed
back into Paradise.
BETHANY
Were they sent to Hell?
METATRON
Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of
human history. And when the world ends,
they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.
BETHANY
And what's this have to do with me?
METATRON
Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in
Catholic dogma that would allow them to
reenter Heaven.
BETHANY
So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
METATRON
It's not that simple. If they get in, they
will have reversed God's decree. Now listen
up because this part is very important:
existence in all it's form and splendor
functions solely on one principle: God is
infallible. To prove God wrong would undo
reality and everything that is. Up would
become down, black would become white,
existence would become nothingness. In essence
- if they are allowed to enter that church,
they'll unmake the world.
BETHANY
Are these guys that bitter?
METATRON
No, that's the stupid part: they have no idea
what their actions will result in. As far as
they know, they're just going home. Isn't that
sweet?
BETHANY
If this is so major, why are you talking to me?
Why doesn't God do something?
METATRON
He could. He could blink them out of existence,
destroy that church, turn them into plants. But
He'd rather see you take care of this one personally.
BETHANY
Why me?
METATRON
Because of who you are.
BETHANY
And who am I?
METATRON
The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions
just serve your purpose.
BETHANY
I'll pass.
METATRON
I beg your pardon?
BETHANY
When some asshole abortion doctor destroyed my
uterus - where was God? When my husband decided
he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his
children - where was God? Now all the sudden,
after all these years of quiet noninvolvement in
my life, He sends one of His lackey's my way who
tells me I should save the world, and as what -
some sort of test? To Hell with Him.
METATRON
Do yourself a favor Bethany - do the world a favor:
let go of your petty crap. It's served you precious
little in the past, and it serves you even less now
when the fate of existence hangs in the balance.
Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked
out of being just because you have a grudge against
your creator.
BETHANY
A grudge? Do you know why I work in that clinic?
It's my own private way of saying "fuck you" to God.
METATRON
And any other day I'd say that's your business and
your life, and enjoy yourself and goodnight. But this
isn't about you - this is about everybody. So you
lost the ability to make life. You're being offered
the chance to play mother to the world by acting
like one and protecting it - saving it.
(swigs her drink and spits it out)
But I can't make you. You'll do what you will.
However, if you should decide to stop being
selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't
be alone. You'll have support.
BETHANY
What, more angels?
METATRON
Prophets - although they don't quite get it yet.
You'll know them right away - one speaks, the other
listens. The one who speaks - and he will at great
lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make
mention of himself as a prophet. The other one
won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the
same.
(looks at watch)
I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to
remember that we're working in a time frame here.
Metatron moves to exit.
BETHANY
(beat)
Hey.
(Metatron turns)
You work for God.
METATRON
They tell me it's God. If it's not, I'm going to
be severely pissed - what with all these years of
bossing people around on his behalf and
expectorating perfectly good tequila.
BETHANY
What's he like? God?
METATRON
(thinks)
Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
BETHANY
I'll bet.
METATRON
Look at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him
why you people had to look so stupid while
procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it
all the time, just for fun.
BETHANY
But we do.
METATRON
I know. And you all look so damn stupid doing it.
It kills us upstairs.
BETHANY
Sex is a joke in Heaven?
METATRON
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down
here too.
And with that, Metatron is gone. Bethany looks at her drink. A three-man mariachi band surround her and begin playing Prince's 'Little Red Corvette'.
INT. BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bethany startles awake. The radio on her night-table plays 'Little Red Corvette'. She lays back down.
INT. BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY
Bethany sits at her desk, staring into space. A twenty-something girl speaks, but Bethany's not really listening. She's extremely preoccupied.
INT. CLINIC - NIGHT
Bethany shuts off the lights in the various rooms. She packs up her bag and turns on the alarm.
EXT. CLINIC - NIGHT
Bethany exits and locks the door behind her. She starts walking.
As her feet tread lightly toward her car, three small shadows move toward her.
Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rummages through her purse for her keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard moving slowly across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly.
Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit perturbed.
BETHANY
(calling into the darkness)
God, what time do you people quit and go home?!
Let's just save it for tomorrow, alright?
There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped against the ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source.
Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of her knee. Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, but she ducks. The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through her purse madly until another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with his stick. Bethany looks up.
The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They tap their hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and faces them defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her.
And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing on the ground between Bethany and her menaces. The Triplets stop short and regard the figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensive stance, Batman-style.
The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew.
From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into the streetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick. He lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in the face, grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it into the air behind him.
The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of the large figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back out like a sai. He swings it out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. The smaller figure back flips into the larger figure's arms a nd kicks his feet into the faces of the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smaller figure leaps forward with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbows into their backs.
The first struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure, screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throat and quickly head butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a beat and then shakes it off.
The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into the distance. He kicks at the fallen Triplets as they scurry away.
SMALL FIGURE
(calling after them)
GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS!
(more to himself)
Snoogans.
The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at one another and shake hands.
SMALL FIGURE
Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked
their fucking asses!
Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground.
BETHANY
Where... where did you learn to do... that stuff?!
SMALL FIGURE
From this comic book some guys made about us.
Long story.
BETHANY
(beat)
I don't know what to say... or think.
The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for the first time - two very familiar faces.
SMALL FIGURE
Say you'll offer us sex as a reward.
BETHANY
Who are you?
The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand.
SMALL FIGURE
Jay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob.
BETHANY
Well thank you for being out here so late... Come
to think of it, what are you doing out here so late?
(freezes)
Wait a second are you protestors?
JAY
What's a protestor?
BETHANY
You're not with the Right-to-Lifer's?
JAY
You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures
of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are
pro-choice: a woman's body is her own fucking
business.
BETHANY
Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what
are you doing hanging around?
JAY
We're here to pick up chicks.
BETHANY
(a bit stunned)
Excuse me?
JAY
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to
meet loose women. Why else would they be there
unless they like to fuck.
BETHANY
(taken aback)
Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for
the rescue... I think.
JAY
(shocked)
Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and
you're just going to take off? What the shit is
that?
BETHANY
I had a weird night last night, and now tonight's
not shaping up to be any better. I think I should
go home, take some Percosets, and lay down.
(opens her car door)
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
How about that shit? Fuck this town, man - I'm
going back to Jersey and selling weed.
(they start walking)
At least there I can get turned down while trying
to make myself a profit.
Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head.
BETHANY
(to herself)
You've gotta be kidding me.
(thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait!
She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively.
BETHANY
Sorry.
(beat)
Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this...
(inhales deeply)
Would you... like to have a drink with me?
Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm.
JAY
See?! I told you if we hung around outside that
place we'd get laid! Thank you!
(looking skyward)
Thank you, God!
INT. SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Various guns are laid out atop a glass case.
OC SALESMAN
Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but
one look at it and nobody - I mean nobody - is
going to fuck with you. Try it on.
Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him.
LOKI
It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword,
I'll say that much.
BARTLEBY
It's the weapon of choice these days.
LOKI
It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked
intimidating. How can I strike fear into the hearts
of the wicked with this?
SALESMAN
Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante,
right? Like Batman or something.
LOKI
Batman never uses guns.
(off gun)
I don't know. It feels impersonal.
BARTLEBY
Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste
like Sodom and Gomorrah. Now that was something.
LOKI
Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there
and read. I had to do all the work.
BARTLEBY
What work? You lit a few fires.
LOKI
I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle
difference.
BARTLEBY
Sure.
LOKI
Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches
can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge
level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most
exhausting activity one can engage in, next to
soccer.
(to Salesman)
I'll take this one.
SALESMAN
Five seventy five to walk with it right now.
Loki starts sifting through his wallet.
BARTLEBY
Soccer?
INT. DINER - NIGHT
An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the bread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops chewing.
Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and nods.
All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English muffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a minute.
BETHANY
Are you both from around here?
JAY
I'm hard as hell.
BETHANY
Do you live in the city?
JAY
Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you
going to do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate
sloppy seconds.
BETHANY
You're a man of principle. Where do you come from?
JAY
We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real
small town. We practically knew everybody.
BETHANY
What brought you to McHenry?
JAY
Hollywood.
BETHANY
(beat)
Hollywood?
JAY
Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of
this video store. And one day this fuck wants to
rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have any
place to watch it. So we went to the mall and
popped it into a VCR at Macy's and sat on the floor
and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen Candles'.
Did you ever see it?
BETHANY
Yes.
JAY
So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club',
and then 'Weird Science' where these two fucks
have a chick that'll do anything for them and they
don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then
we got thrown out of Macy's when we watched 'Pretty
in Pink', because of this bitch.
(points to Silent Bob)
BETHANY
(to Silent Bob)
What'd you do?
JAY
You know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets
together with her dream guy at the prom?
(Bethany nods)
Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts
of loud and shit. And the manager's like "Get the
hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you
bald cocksucker! I'll kick your lard..
BETHANY
(speeding him along)
So what exactly brought you to Illinois?
JAY
Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a
town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all
this fine bush running around, and we could kick
all the dudes' asses because they're all whiney
pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But
best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I
says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we
were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!"
So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught
a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found
Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind
of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!
BETHANY
And now you live here?
JAY
Fuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a
stupid accent so you don't know what they're saying,
and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talking about
taking off. Until we met you, that is.
(kisses her hand)
BETHANY
(retracts her hand)
Right. So how much longer are you staying here?
JAY
Until you're ready to skip out and make with the
sex.
BETHANY
No. How long are you staying in McHenry?
JAY
We're leaving tomorrow.
BETHANY
Where are you going next?
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions.
(to Bethany)
Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like
five years now. It's about time for us to retire
or something. Enjoy our salad years. No more
adventures.
BETHANY
I see.
(sips her coffee)
JAY
Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks
fart if you blast them in the ass?
BETHANY
I didn't ask you out for sex.
JAY
I'll take head.
BETHANY
I don't know why, but...
(composes herself)
...I want to go with you.
JAY
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?
(shrugs to Silent Bob)
Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and
you pay the rent.
BETHANY
No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
JAY
Really? You're the only chick I ever met that
wanted to go to Jersey. M ost chicks try to get out.
BETHANY
When can we leave?
JAY
Wait a second! What is this shit? Are we going
fuck or not?
BETHANY
You're going to lead me somewhere.
JAY
Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am
half the time. If we're not going to fuck then what
the hell did you ask me out for?
BETHANY
Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me
somewhere I was supposed to go. I didn't believe
it until you said that thing in the parking lot.
JAY
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know
is we saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarfs
and you promised us sex..
(to Silent Bob)
Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex?
(to Bethany)
...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to
take you somewhere, and you don't even know where
it is?
BETHANY
(beat)
Do you believe in God?
JAY
(horrified)
Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine
chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta
get the one Jesus freak!
(to Silent Bob, getting up)
Let's go...
BETHANY
(grabbing his sleeve)
No. wait...
JAY
(pulling back)
I'll scream rape.
BETHANY
I can pay you.
JAY
(quickly sitting back down)
Pay?
BETHANY
For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway;
all I'm asking is to tag along and see where it
leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all expenses.
JAY
(thinks; to Silent Bob)
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and
she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar.
(to Bethany)
What about sex?
BETHANY
No sex.
JAY
Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation
where we've got like five minutes to live, like a
bomb or something is gonna go off - would you fuck
us then?
BETHANY
In that highly unlikely situation?
(beat)
Yeah, sure.
JAY
Yeah? You slut. Noonch.
(to Silent Bob)
What do you think?
Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up.
JAY
Alright. But I'll drive.
EXT. MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, revving awfully loudly.
INT. BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT
The speedometer reads ninety-five.
Jay drives, eyes glued to the road, happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable and dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races.
BETHANY
(yelling over engine noise)
What gear are you in?
JAY
(not looking back)
Gear?
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open and smoke billows out.
JAY
(defensively)
Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever
drove before!
Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head.
JAY
Chicks.
Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on the engine as a cross-country bus races by.
INT. BUS - NIGHT
Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at the gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them.
BARTLEBY
We have to pass through three more states to get
to New Jersey: Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.
LOKI
With a very important stop in Cleveland.
BARTLEBY
Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like
a bad movie.
LOKI
Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me,
alright. The last time you bugged me about my job,
you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin.
(looks out window)
All this time we've been down here, why didn't we
ever leave the Cheese?
BARTLEBY
He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse
punishment if we disobeyed Him again.
LOKI
Where were we afraid He'd send us?
BARTLEBY
New Jersey.
LOKI
Now that, my friend, is irony.
BARTLEBY
(beat)
You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter.
How can you even be sure of what incurs the Lord's
wrath these days? Times change. Remember when
eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a
Hellworthy tresspass? Or when people weren't even
supposed to shop on Sundays?
LOKI
That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never
change. And believe me - I can spot a commandment
breaker a mile away.
BARTLEBY
Sure.
LOKI
You don't believe me?
(looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple)
There. There's one.
BARTLEBY
(off couple)
So what? They're kissing.
LOKI
Adultery.
BARTLEBY
That's a stretch. How do you know they're not
dating?
LOKI
You'd know better than me - let's hear it.
BARTLEBY
Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up
on the job you really are.
LOKI
A test?
BARTLEBY
Of sorts. So what's your proof?
LOKI
He's wearing a wedding band.
BARTLEBY
So? Maybe that's his wife.
LOKI
No married man kisses his wife like that. You get
married and the passion dies, man. Don't you ever
watch talk shows?
BARTLEBY
What are you talking about?
LOKI
A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the
object of his desire is won, there's no need to
expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied
with the spoils of victory, which he then decides
isn't so victorious because he's saddled with a
life-mate.
BARTLEBY
Very romantic sentiment.
LOKI
That's the problem - romance. You think about it:
back in the old days, nobody got married out of
quote, unquote, love. People married for property,
dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself
through offspring. When did all this love stuff
start? What the hell happened to the status quo?
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors.
LOKI
Lionel Richie's old group?
BARTLEBY
No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were
wandering minstrels and dramatists that sang
melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love.
LOKI
Sounds like the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their
influence altered the balance in a significant
fashion. Until them, people got married because
they had to. After them, people started 'falling
in love'. Romantic courtships became the norm.
What started out as simple entertainment made such
a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way
society operates.
LOKI
That's human beings for you - easily misled. From
the Garden of Eden to the 'Thigh Master' - they
believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one
day they're all going to watch one too many John
Hughes flicks and start looking for Shermer,
Illinois.
BARTLEBY
Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb.
(off couple)
So is it adultery or not?
LOKI
(thinks; to couple)
Excuse me.
The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki.
LOKI
Are you married?
MAN
(puzzled)
Why?
LOKI
Just curious.
MAN
(holds up ring finger)
What do you think?
The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a 'Satisfied?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder.
MAN
(breaks kiss; pissed)
What?!
LOKI
To her?
MAN
What?
LOKI
Are you married to her?
MAN
Not that it's any of your fucking business, but
no! Why?!
Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man in the head. Screaming ensues.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a beat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone.
BARTLEBY
You're such an asshole.
LOKI
Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
Troubadors.
EXT. ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN
Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various wrenches. Bethany steams off to the side.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now.
Well, maybe you, but definitely not me.
(beat)
Let me know how she is.
BETHANY
(turns on him)
Nobody is fucking me! You got that?!
JAY
At least not in this car.
BETHANY
(sighs)
I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't
know what I was thinking. But being that I've
decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is
where you two get off.
JAY
You're breaking up with us?
BETHANY
Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever
it is you're looking for. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Good bye.
Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't
go around breaking people's hearts li ke that! We
fell in love with you! Guys like us don't just
fall out of the sky, you know!
On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky, landing between the two parties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and ashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and rolls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as Silent Bob joins him.
JAY
(yelling up)
A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from
the sky, you know?!
(beat; to Silent Bob)
Was worth a try.
Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest.
BETHANY
No heartbeat.
JAY
Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'?
Did you ever see that flick?
BETHANY
(starts CPR'ing him)
I think there would have been more of a mess if
he fell from that high.
MAN
Not necessarily.
Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face.
JAY
KILL IT!! KILL IT!!
MAN
That sounds familiar.
BETHANY
Jesus, are you okay?
MAN
Rufus. And yes, I'm fine.
JAY
He's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!!
RUFUS
(getting up with Bethany's help)
What happened to your car? You clock ninety in
first gear or something?
JAY
Mind your own fucking business!
RUFUS
(to Jay)
Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not
easy and it gave me a fucking migraine. Now if you
don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off.
JAY
(hiding behind Silent Bob)
I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain!
BETHANY
I think he was aiming a bit further south.
(to Rufus)
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus,
is it?
RUFUS
Rufus it is, Miss.
(to Silent Bob)
Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your
coat 'till I can find my own threads?
Jay looks at Silent Bob.
JAY
Dude, he fell out of thin air!
Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs.
JAY
Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the
inside of your armor!
RUFUS
(to Silent Bob)
I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother.
Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits.
BETHANY
Where exactly did you fall from?
RUFUS
Some might say grace.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Dude, he's talking about your mom.
Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there.
Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles slightly.
OC BETHANY
You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this,
but somehow you falling out of the sky seems to go
hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've
been dealing with.
OC RUFUS
Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet.
Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out at him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick.
The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY
Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side.
Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He rolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it.
Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up hard, into the Triplet's forehead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side and plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC.
The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it, disappearing.
Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, blink, and embrace passionately.
The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in lancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself, grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an arch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it seals shut.
Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock.
JAY
Alright - what's with you, lady?! That's the
second time you got attacked by the fucking Mighty
Ducks!
RUFUS
(wiping off hands)
Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here
just in time.
BETHANY
How can you be so composed? We were almost killed.
RUFUS
Death is a worry of the living. The dead only
worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
JAY
See! I told you he was the undead!
RUFUS
Not the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me
the secret to resurrection once when we were at
a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it.
BETHANY
(incredulous)
Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ?
RUFUS
Knew him? I saw him naked.
BETHANY
Let me guess - you're another angel?
RUFUS
No, I'm a man - just like you and him.
(looks at Jay)
Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man.
Been dead for nearly two thousand years. Here.
(pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear)
JAY
No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj.
BETHANY
(unrolling it)
It's not a joint.
(looks at it)
I can't read this.
RUFUS
It's Sanskrit. It says "Rufus - see you in two
Years, Jesus." Freaked me out because he basically
told me when my number was up. Took the flavor out
of the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving.
If we stay in one place long enough, those things
are liable to come back. What say we continue this
discussion over something to eat?
BETHANY
(snaps)
WAIT A SECOND!
(inhales deeply)
I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is
where you, and those... kids came from?!
RUFUS
They came from Hell. I came from Heaven.
(walking away)
Let's start walking.
JAY
Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere?
RUFUS
Back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere.
Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?
(exits)
Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability.
JAY
What's an apostle?
Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other.
EXT. MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWN
A large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city hasn't started up yet. A pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby and Loki jump out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering waved thank-you's to the driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out the article and looks at it. He looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby, smiling. They head toward the front doors.
INT. QUAINT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWN
A ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move from the seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's original owners, and come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seated on a couch. They look scared.
FIGURE
Hello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the
phone guy... I'll leave them a message... Bye.
The Figure hangs up the phone and rises.
FIGURE
You say the girl has already met the prophets?
The Stygian Triplets nod.
FIGURE
She grows closer to learning her true identity.
If that happens, our plan is jeopardized. I can't
afford to go into the field - that might compromise
us further. The best course of action is to insure
that our parcel is not found. And being that I
can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'm
left with no choice but to seek outside assistance
in guarding our package.
(sighs)
I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan.
The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock.
EXT. FAST FOOD JOINT. - DAWN
Rufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food to an outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob.
RUFUS
(off new clothes)
It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I
tell you I'd find some threads?
A car full of teens whip past them.
TEEN
(yelling from passing car)
GARBAGE PICKER!
RUFUS
(waves to them)
Thank you.
(to group)
What's that mean?
JAY
It means they saw you pull that shit out of that
dumpster.
RUFUS
So it's a good thing, then.
(handing coat back to Silent Bob)
I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this
back.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Lucky you.
RUFUS
(off food)
Damn, I remember when all we used to have for
breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you
call this shit?
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining
some things to me.
RUFUS
Like what?
BETHANY
Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids
that keep attacking me?
RUFUS
Nasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets.
They're not really related. When they were alive
they were a trio of kids that snatched a neighbor's
toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see
what it looked like" I believe was their defense.
They were killed in a car wreck on the way to a
detention center.
BETHANY
So they're dead too?
RUFUS
You'd be surprised how many dead people are just
walking around - we're stubborn bastards. Thing
is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Which
means that someone wants you out of the picture
so badly they're willing to summon demons.
BETHANY
Is it those two angels I'm supposed to stop?
RUFUS
Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this
shit? We don't even know who this guy is. For all
you know, he's in with those fucks. They both
showed up at the same time.
BETHANY
I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How
did you know where to find us?
RUFUS
You know what the dead do with most of their time?
They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't wait to die.
BETHANY
And why are you watching me?
RUFUS
Because you're the one who's going to help me get
some changes made in that book you all hold so
much stock in.
JAY
Hustler?
RUFUS
The Bible.
BETHANY
What's your beef with the Bible?
RUFUS
I'm not in it.
JAY
Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us
bitching.
RUFUS
But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth
Apostle.
BETHANY
I've been going to church my entire life and I've
never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
RUFUS
See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles
- white boys, I might add. But no mention of Rufus.
And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my
pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error
that you people are basing a faith on.
BETHANY
What's that?
RUFUS
Jesus wasn't white; He was black.
Rufus bites into his sandwich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and then each other.
JAY
Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has
blonde hair and blue eyes.
RUFUS
(wiping hands)
That's what's particularly insulting. Between the
time when He established the faith and the church
started to officially organize, the powers-that-be
deci ded that while the message of Christ was integral,
the fact that He was black was a detriment. So all
renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric, even though
the brother was blacker than Jesse.
BETHANY
If that's true, then why'd He get written about
while you were left out?
RUFUS
Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of
hard to have the New Testament without him. So
you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His ethnicity.
Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve
apostles to choose from.
JAY
I don't buy it.
RUFUS
That's what the good people of Antioch were saying
when they stoned my ass.
BETHANY
You were martyred?
RUFUS
That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say
I was bludgeoned to shit by big rocks. See - Christ
told us Apostles to go out into the world and spread
His word. Antioch was already garnering a big
Christian following, so I got sent there. And was
a big hit. They loved hearing about Jesus' message,
and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned
He was black, the whole town turned on me - called
me a liar and shit. I pressed the point, and before
I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to
accessorize.
BETHANY
Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw
how they were reacting?
RUFUS
Because it's part of the facts. White folks only
want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place
in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're
getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak.
And that - my friends - is called Hypocrisy. Folks
just can't accept a black Savior.
(to Silent Bob)
You going to eat that hash brown?
BETHANY
So you went to Heaven?
RUFUS
Shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do.
I gave up my sheep and followed His ass around
Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time,
did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch,
because I was into His message. And while the
message is what counts, folks should know that He
was black. That's why I'm going to help you find
stop those angels from getting to that church in
exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
BETHANY
How do you know about that?
RUFUS
Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that
breaks the tedium is news. The unmaking of existence
is what you might consider a great tedium-breaker.
Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you.
BETHANY
I find that hard to believe.
RUFUS
When you were five you let a kid from next door
piss on your hand.
JAY
(shocked)
You did that?
BETHANY
Yeah... but I never told anyone about it.
RUFUS
Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later.
His name was...
BETHANY
...Bryan Johnson.
RUFUS
Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-
known in Heaven. Probably in Hell, too.
Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go.
JAY
(intrigued)
Tell me something about me.
RUFUS
(preoccupied with the OC Bethany)
You masturbate more than anybody else on the
planet.
JAY
Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody
knows.
RUFUS
You think about guys when you do it.
Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked.
JAY
Not all the time!
Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddy-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus joins her.
RUFUS
I'm sorry if I spooked you.
BETHANY
I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine
exclusively.
RUFUS
That's the way it goes with celebrities.
BETHANY
What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just
a quiet girl from the suburbs who counsels pregnant
teens.
RUFUS
You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction
when He found out who He was, minus the quiet
girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm
sure you'll come to terms and do what you're
supposed to.
BETHANY
Why not get the pope or someone holy like that?
RUFUS
Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make
him the right man for the job. Only certain hands
can deliver the world from the brink of destruction.
last time it was Jesus - this time it's you.
BETHANY
Why me?
RUFUS
Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands
capable enough to carry the burden. It all rides
on you.
BETHANY
(rubbing her temples)
Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and
go home. You know, yesterday I wasn't sure God even
existed. And now I'm up to my ass in Christian
Mythology.
RUFUS
God hates it when it's referred to as Mythology.
BETHANY
Well then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets'
what we should call it instead.
(looking OC; concerned)
Now where did those two assholes go?
INT.. STRIP JOINT.
It's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of men paying way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights and chock full of smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting the music. The crowd is rather thin.
Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on...
The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, and growing littler by the second.
Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nice pile and stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. The Dancer smiles and starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot and performs his own little seductive dance with it. He stands at the edge of the stage, gyrating. The Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in her G-string. She rubs his head and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair, excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay.
BETHANY
(shouting above the music)
What are you doing?
JAY
Proving to this bastard that I ain't gay.
BETHANY
What?
RUFUS
Long story - forget it. But we should get moving.
How can we get to New Jersey?
BETHANY
I had a car.
She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn't feel it.
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
We could go by train.
RUFUS
(looking OC)
Sounds cool.
BETHANY
There's a phone out there. I'll call for
reservations.
Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side.
BETHANY
No, it's okay. I can handle it.
Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits.
The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself.
Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills.
ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blacks watch the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them.
JAY
(banging on stage)
Sweet thing!
(Hashes another five)
Look what I found! Snoog!
The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by more banging.
The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar bill from his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of his posse smile and slap hands.
The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading toward the Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob.
The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiously loud throat clearing.
Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding.
The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The Gang Leader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly.
The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leader produces two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader - produces three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash. Jay hits Silent Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle, gyrating and sizing up the best offer.
Jay then produces the creme de la creme: three hundred dollar bills. He sneers at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps her legs around him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares at the Gang Leader, a victorious smirk on his face.
The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat, producing a gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The music scratches to a halt and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The Gang Leader points his piece at Jay, his posse backing him up.
GANG LEADER
You a smart ass, ain'tcha, white b oy? Come in here
and ruin my good time.
JAY
It's a free country. The bitch just came to the
man with the most.
DANCER
Bitch?
JAY
No offense, baby.
GANG LEADER
The bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with
the most - the man with the most led in his piece.
While you and tubby are leaving with the most led
in your dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin'?
JAY
(to Dancer)
Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussy
ass, Nino Brown wanna-be down.
DANCER
(to Gang Leader)
Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary.
GANG LEADER
Shut the fuck up and back away from the midget!
The Dancer moves to the side.
GANG LEADER
(to Jay)
Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe
you were about to intone some pleas for mercy.
You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, I didn't
mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept
my most humble apology."
Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, but Rufus holds her back An OC Jay laughs.
Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily.
JAY
You want an apology?
GANG LEADER
(cocks gun)
Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and I'll put a
kill shot through that thick fucking skull of
yours. Otherwise we go slow and long in the pain
dispensation.
JAY
(beat; zips jacket closed)
Know what I'm doing?
GANG LEADER
No. What you doing?
JAY
I'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this
up, I don't get your filthy fucking brain guts
all over my shirt. You know why?
GANG LEADER
Why?
JAY
Because you can't get shit stains out of flannel.
What I'm saying is that you got shit for brains.
The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment.
GANG LEADER
Well I appreciate you breaking that down for me,
but I got it without the explanation.
JAY
No. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's
gonna be some nine's firing in here, and when the
bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass is gonna be
all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me
and walk away? Fuck that. And fuck you - you
punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you a monkey!
Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap
you, I'll bring a coconut to your funeral and lay
it on your grave; stick a straw through it and
stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll
reach.
The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're so frightened.
JAY
You think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit,
if I don't fucking plant you - watermelon - my
muscle here will.
(thumbs at Silent Bob)
What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love
chicks. So he's gotta be with me for one reason:
to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words
- he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's
thinking about how he's gonna take you and your
bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets
in your bodies before they cool down. You know why?
Because he likes to see the hot steam coming off
them when he sprays them down. Come to think of
it, I'm tired of talking to your dumb ass; you
probably don't even understand big words like
'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain it
to you.
(to Silent Bob)
Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches.
Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks at him.
JAY
What are you waiting for?!
Silent Bob shrugs.
JAY
(flabbergasted)
YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob kind of nods
JAY
(shocked)
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE
BEEN TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly.
JAY
THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK I WOULD'VE
SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!?
(beat)
HUNHH?!?
Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles.
GANG LEADER
What was that about a coconut?
Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob.
JAY
No gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All
this time and you got no gun!
GANG LEADER
Oh boys! We have some unfinished business here.
JAY
(sheepishly)
Can we talk this over?
GANG LEADER
Tell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap
you. Talk all you like.
Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. He puts a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action, smiling.
Jay fumes.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't believe you.
(to Gang Leader)
Do me a favor.
(points to Silent Bob)
Shoot this piece of shit first.
(to Silent Bob; disgusted)
No gun!
Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay and Silent Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones and begins scratching a record. A familiar tune begins.
The Gang watches, perplexed.
Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing.
SILENT BOB
HEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT!
AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!!
AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!!
WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW!
WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG!
LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER -
WHILE WE DO OUR THANG!
The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softens and smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up.
JAY
NA , NA, NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
SILENT BOB
(as Fat Albert)
HEY! HEY! HEY!
JAY
NA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed.
RUFUS
I thought she looked familiar.
BETHANY
Who?
RUFUS
(he nods toward the stage)
Serendipity.
Bethany looks to the stage.
The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow.
INT.. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY
Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby, the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on Barney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in the middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are adorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a stupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of the insipid creature.
Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They chatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters, taking his place at the head of the conference table.
WHITLAND
Good morning, shoppers.
(slaps a file on table)
Has anyone seen the over-night's?
An anticipatory hush fills the room.
WHITLAND
We creamed 'em.
A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles.
WHITLAND
(reading from file)
And last night was a rerun, which says to me that
with the six months we have to ready and promote
the 'Very Mooby Christmas' pay-per-view special,
we can produce history-making numbers. The record
is held by that shock-jock's New Year's thing, but
I see no reason why our little cash cow can't
supercede those numbers and...
(stops and sniffs the air)
Do I smell onions?
Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on.
Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them.
WHITLAND
I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these
gentlemen with?
The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has.
WHITLAND
(to Bartleby and Loki)
Excuse me.
Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head. Loki lifts his head without looking up.
LOKI
(very distracted)
Hmm?
WHITLAND
May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
LOKI
(still preoccupied)
My friend just has a few words for you, and then
we'll be on our way. Heading to Jersey, you see.
Now - by the decor, I assume I'm guessing correctly
that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby
Productions International?
WHITLAND
You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck
you are and - again - what the fuck you're doing
in our conference room?
LOKI
(to Bartleby, still not looking up)
You may proceed, mon ami'.
BARTLEBY
I can't believe you.
(to Whitland)
I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend
here has a penchant toward the dramatic, so he's
making me do this. Usually, I don't even involve
myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in
awhile, so he wants...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Just read 'em their rights already.
BARTLEBY
(sighs; circling the table)
Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff
- a former kindergarten teacher - in nineteen
eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning
schedule on local network K-REL. Bought by the
Complex Corporation in nineteen ninety one and
broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time
Hour', it picked up a large following of children,
ages three to eight, and spawns sixteen records,
two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials,
a library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and
bicoastal theme parks dubbed 'MoobyWorld'.
(beat)
Did I miss anything?
Whitland and company stare for a beat.
WHITLAND
You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to
this?
BARTLEBY
(grimly)
You and your board are idolators.
Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands beside Bartleby.
LOKI
(to Bartleby)
How could your forget the magazine?
Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the sculpture.
LOKI
It's you .
(sets sculpture on table)
Do you know much about voodoo? Fascinating
practice, very close to Satanism, but not really
much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just
an arrangements of superstitions, the most well-
known of which is the voodoo doll.
(sneezes; waits; continues)
A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various
pokes and prods, and the desired result is that
the individual will feel the effects.
WHITLAND
(to nearest board member)
Call security - now.
Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord.
LOKI
All lines are currently down.
BARTLEBY
(to Whitland)
Again -. I apologize for my friend's...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Would you just get on with it?!
BARTLEBY
(miffed; to Whitland)
You are responsible for raising an icon that draws
worship from the Lord. You've broken the first
commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of
you passes for a decent human being. Your continued
existence is a mockery of morality.
(looks to Loki; Loki nods)
Like you - Mister Bernard.
(stands behind board member)
Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen
years, eight times - twice with prostitutes. You
even had sex with her best friend while she was at
her garden club meeting and you were supposed to
be watching your kids.
LOKI
In the bed you and your wife share, no less.
The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves on.
BARTLEBY
And you, Mister Newman.
Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania' and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the room.
BARTLEBY
You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's
Christmas party, and then paid a kid from the
mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed
out, just so you could break up with her - guilt
free - when she sobbingly confessed the next morning
that she cheated on you. She killed herself three
months later. You sent flowers to her wake.
The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves quickly around the table.
BARTLEBY
(not liking his job)
Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran
put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and
used the profits from the sale of her house to
purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker
flew to the Philippines on the company account to
have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister Bloom
okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he
knew were unsafe and toxic materials because it
was less costly.
Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved.
BARTLEBY
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead
a good life and have never misused your power here.
She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on.
BARTLEBY
But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons
in your closet than this assembled party. I can't
even mention them aloud.
Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear. Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland.
LOKI
You're her father, you sick fuck.
Whitland begins sobbing.
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
Can I go now?
LOKI
(cheerily rubbing his head)
Go on, you crazy kid.
Bartleby exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others.
LOKI
With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a
decent human being amongst you. Do you know what
makes a human being decent?
(beat)
Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you
has anything to fear anymore. You rest comfortably
in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your
false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in
secrecy even from one another. But not from God.
Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around.
LOKI
I forgot my little voodoo doll.
(looks at Whitland)
Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if
I believed enough...
Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure. Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He sweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a shriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed. Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed.
LOKI
I don't believe in voodoo.
Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors burst open and Loki storms back in.
LOKI
But I do believe in this.
Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with her arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair.
LOKI
(smiling)
It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were
bad men. You are a pure soul.
She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens.
LOKI
But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed.
He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut.
OC BARTLEBY
(cautionary)
Loki!
Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece.
LOKI
(to woman)
Sorry. Force of habit.
He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens her eyes and looks around.
INT.. STRIP JOINT. - LATER
Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's.
GANG LEADER
(to Gang)
Watch this shit.
(to Jay)
Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth.
JAY
(swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth')
Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert.
The Gang laughs hysterically.
GANGSTER 1
Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit!
Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away.
RUFUS
(elated)
I forgot you were down here! How long now?
SERENDIPITY
Three years this August. What about you - is this
another temporary expulsion? You and your 'Christ
was down' campaign?
BETHANY
What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought
you came down here specifically to help me?
SERENDIPITY
Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out
constantly; at least once a month, ethereal time.
They always bring him back, but only after a few
days of peace and quiet - free from that black
nationalist rhetoric.
RUFUS
(joking)
Artsy-fartsy bitch.
SERENDIPITY
Who you calling artsy-fartsy?
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes
back in Jerusalem.
BETHANY
Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out
of the bible because she's a woman.
RUFUS
The girl's not a woman.
(to Serendipity)
No offense.
BETHANY
Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
SERENDIPITY
(tugs on boobs)
What, these? You should know better than anyone
at this table that tits don't make a woman.
RUFUS
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got
tits - don't make him a woman.
SERENDIPITY
Aside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing,
what traditionally defines a woman falls between
two things : her legs. But as you can see...
Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly, revealing yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's.
SERENDIPITY
I lack definition.
OC JAY
Hey! They're getting a free show!
Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party.
BETHANY
(weary)
Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron.
SERENDIPITY
How do you know Metatron?
(to Rufus)
How does she know Metatron?
RUFUS
This is the last Scion.
SERENDIPITY
(beat)
You're kidding.
RUFUS
Don't you see the resemblance?
SERENDIPITY
(stares at Bethany)
A bit.
(suddenly nervous)
Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up.
BETHANY
I'm confused.
RUFUS
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an
angel, nor is she by any means a human being like
I was and you are.
SERENDIPITY
Amen to that.
(swigs her beer and spits it out)
BETHANY
Then who is she?
SERENDIPITY
Not who - what. I haven't always been part of the
anthropomorphic club. I used to be an abstract.
BETHANY
Now I'm really lost.
RUFUS
Serendipity's an idea.
SERENDIPITY
Try all ideas.
BETHANY
Meaning?
SERENDIPITY
I'm a muse, stupid.
Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively.
BETHANY
I can't take much more of this.
(downs her beer)
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse.
You can appreciate her frame of mind.
BETHANY
(to Serendipity)
So you - what - inspire people?
SERENDIPITY
What just went down with your friends over there
- you don't think they thought of that themselves?
I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert and passed
it along to the boys.
RUFUS
If she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines
right now.
BETHANY
You made them sing that song?
SERENDIPITY
I offered them a solution out of the hole they dug
for themselves. Thankfully, they took it.
BETHANY
Are you kidding? Those two are so dense, they
wouldn't get a good idea if it was given to them
in a specially marked box.
SERENDIPITY
Dense people are the most open to suggestion -
it's you so-called intelligent folks that have a
hard time accepting a good idea.
RUFUS
Ain't that the truth.
BETHANY
Prove it. Give me a good idea.
SERENDIPITY
If I do, and you accept it, then you'll have
confirmation that you are - as you say - dense.
BETHANY
(beat)
Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people
do you inspire - besides stupid ones?
SERENDIPITY
I used to specialize in entertainment - literature,
theatre, so forth.
BETHANY
Movies?
SERENDIPITY
In some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets
on the casting couch.
BETHANY
What have I seen that you've been involved with?
SERENDIPITY
Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost
everything. For example: I'm responsible for nine
of the ten top grossing films of all time.
BETHANY
Nine?
SERENDIPITY
The one about the kid, by himself in his house;
burglars trying to get in and he fights them off?
(Bethany nods)
I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold
their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that
piece of shit.
RUFUS
Which brings us to the next logical question -
what are you doing stripping?
SERENDIPITY
Well you remember why I left, right?
RUFUS
You were tired of doing all the work and getting
none of the credit for your ideas.
SERENDIPITY
And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant
inspiration and turn out real trash.
(to Bethany)
So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself.
I gave my two weeks notice, got a body, fifty bucks,
and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.
BETHANY
So what happened?
SERENDIPITY
Writer's block.
RUFUS
Writer's block?
SERENDIPITY
Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake!
I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what
do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write
a grocery list.
BETHANY
What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob ?
You inspired them.
SERENDIPITY
That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion
and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for
myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
BETHANY
Whose?
SERENDIPITY
God's.
BETHANY
You're saying God's a woman.
SERENDIPITY
Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
BETHANY
The possibility never presented itself. He's always
referred to as a Him.
SERENDIPITY
I didn't write it that way. My job stops at the
idea stage. The person that holds the pen adds
their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were
men. One of the drawbacks to being intangible is
that you have no say in the editorial process.
RUFUS
Another one's that you can't jerk off.
SERENDIPITY
(to Bethany)
See, these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees
and High Priests felt threatened by the idea of a
woman lording over them and controlling their
fates, so they made sure that She became a He.
Doesn't stop with God - the whole book is slanted
and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the
first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from
Eden. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power, a woman
asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that
book again some time - women are painted as bigger
antagonists than the fucking Egyptians and Romans
combined.
BETHANY
(stunned)
God is a woman...
SERENDIPITY
I don't know what the big surprise is - women are
the only gender that can create life, just like
God created the universe. Who else but a mother
could have the infinite patience with impudent
children that God has with humanity. A woman can
give birth to and nurture both sexes, so psychologists
theorize that women are the only gender both sexes
can feel completely comfortable with; and the
faithful - both male and female - feel at ease
with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is
to implore the aid of the Almighty, just as when
you're a child, the only person who can make it
all better is...
BETHANY
...mom. God, it makes sense.
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
Shit, you still have a knack for words.
SERENDIPITY
Not really useful in my new line of work.
RUFUS
What about that? Why'd you choose stripping?
SERENDIPITY
In an effort to create something artistic that I
could claim as my own. See, I've been able to fool
myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's
dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She
won't even give me that much - the way God designed
dance, it's the only creative act which results in
no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies
or most other arts forms. when the dance is over,
there's nothing to show for it - nothing to save
and enjoy... or sell.
(takes a drink)
Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse.
RUFUS
How long are you going to keep this up?
SERENDIPITY
Believe me, I think about eating crow and going
back to the grind from time to time. But I'd hate
to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the
prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being
flesh anymore - especially this halfway crap. Not
only do I have to take care of the aesthetic - the
showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I
can't take advantage of the benefits - like getting
laid or using my period as an excuse not to get
laid...
(conspiratorially to Bethany)
...the only true boon to having a period, from
what I understand.
RUFUS
Well we could sure use your help. We need someone
with good ideas. You remember a couple of angels
named Loki and Bartleby?
SERENDIPITY
Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal
with a conscience.
RUFUS
They found a way back.
SERENDIPITY
(shocked)
God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole?
BETHANY
You know about that?
SERENDIPITY
I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it
to the Catholics to destroy existence.
RUFUS
Bethany's Catholic.
SERENDIPITY
My condolences.
BETHANY
What do you have against Catholics?
SERENDIPITY
Ever been to a Catholic mass?
BETHANY
Once or twice.
SERENDIPITY
It's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel,
leave. And the whole time you'd rather be watching
TV. You people don't celebrate your faith - you
mourn it.
BETHANY
So if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion?
SERENDIPITY
When are you people going to learn? It's not about
right or wrong - it's a question of faith. It
doesn't matter what you believe in - just that you
believe.
Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas.
JAY
Look! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang!
Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the once dim room. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepia filter - the light and vapors surrounding him are brown.
FIGURE
(deep, guttural hiss)
Not born... shit into existence.
Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air.
JAY
Who farted?
SERENDIPITY
Sweet Christ, someone wants you bad.
BETHANY
What do you mean? What's that smell?
RUFUS
Don't tell me that's who I think it is.
SERENDIPITY
The stench should say it all.
BETHANY
Who the hell is it?!
SERENDIPITY
An excremental - the Golgothan.
BETHANY
A what?
RUFUS
A shit-demon.
The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group.
NO-MAN
No... man. ..of...woman.. born...
The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses.
GANG LEADER
(to Jay; loading his piece)
Friend of yours?
JAY
(to group)
Is this smelly fuck with us?
RUFUS
He's coming for Bethany.
JAY
(to Gang Leader)
Smoke that mother fucker like it ain't no thang!
GANG LEADER
I knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent!
The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly, the room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes from staring wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay and Silent Bob look up.
The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered in murky, creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoops a finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling.
Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I guess we're in charge of the gang now.
BETHANY
What the fuck happened?!?
SERENDIPITY
Go for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his
short-term memory's for shit.
JAY
So's the rest of him.
RUFUS
No chance of taking him down?
SERENDIPITY
Gee. I don't know. Let's a sk the gangstas.
RUFUS
You're right; let's book.
They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launching a huge glob of shit through the air.
JAY
(running; seeing it coming)
SHIT!!!
Everyone leaps behind the bar. The shit flies over them and slams against the mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entire frame, and burns in an acidic fashion.
Jay stares, horrified.
JAY
Now that... is some powerful shit.
Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door.
SERENDIPITY
Quick! Get in!
Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipity follows, pulling the door shut on top of them.
INT.. BASEMENT
Our heroes cower beneath the floor door.
JAY
What is that thing?
SERENDIPITY
You ever hear of Golgotha?
BETHANY
Skull place. The hill where Christ was crucified.
SERENDIPITY
(peering above)
Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the
Romans crucified everybody on that hill. And Christ
excluded, they were all criminals - killers,
brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the
crucified expired, their bodies would naturally
lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder
in the process. And the result is that walking
pile of crap up there: the Golgothan Shit-Demon -
Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you,
girlie.
Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of shit drips through it.
BETHANY
What are we doing down here, then?. Any second now
he'll be blasting through that door!
SERENDIPITY
Shit's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple
of minutes, he'll forget what he came for.
Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bob taps Rufus and points. Rufus reacts.
RUFUS
(indicating trickling shit)
Looks like it's been taking memory training courses...
SERENDIPITY
(off trickle)
JUMP!!!
The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode, dumping a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMan anew. NoMan lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain their bearings on the floor, crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himself off, rolling it around in It's hands.
SERENDIPITY
If anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest
you start whipping them out.
Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then, something occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The others continue moving back.
BETHANY
Bob, get down! Jay!
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor!
Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls a smile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls a small canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into the face of the Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shit ball in It's hand drops to the floor, and then so does It.
Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd around Silent Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoth, then to Silent Bob.
BETHANY
(off Bob's canister)
What was that?
Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of Glade Air Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob.
BETHANY
(reading can)
'Knocks strong odors out.'
RUFUS
Way to go. tubby.
BETHANY
Why would you ever carry this?
Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look at Jay.
JAY
What?!
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
Who has dominion over this thing?
SERENDIPITY
Only Lucifer can order a killing. But something
doesn't make sense: this thing never travels alone
- with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd never
allow it. It usually has some kind of backup.
RUFUS
Can you get some answers?
SERENDIPITY
I can give it a shot.
BETHANY
What's going on?
RUFUS
Serendipity's going to talk to that demon.
JAY
Cool! Can we watch?
SERENDIPITY
Not a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the
weak-minded.
JAY
Fuck you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk
to him in his own language! See...?
(makes the universal metal sign)
He'd understand this.
SERENDIPITY
(shakes her head; to Rufus)
Whoever sent this might send more. I suggest you
take the princess and get as far away as possible.
(to Bethany)
I'll do what I can to extract some info from shit-
boy here. If there's anything helpful. I'll get it
to you somehow.
BETHANY
(hugs her)
Thank you. And... you're a great dancer.
SERENDIPITY
I'm a better juggler.
(to jay and Silent Bob)
You know you're supposed to be prophets, right?
Start acting like prophets. You should have seen
that thing coming.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Why the hell are we getting yelled at?!
SERENDIPITY
Just watch out for Bethany. Go.
Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Man, bitch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking,
she can tell us what to do.
BETHANY
She told me that if you behave, she'll give you
head.
JAY
(excited)
Yeah?.
BETHANY
Oh, a demon'd have a field day with you.
Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps.
OC JAY
(beat)
Shut up.
OC BETHANY
You shut up.
SERENDIPITY
(to Rufus)
Nice girl.
RUFUS
Comes from good stock.
SERENDIPITY
You haven't told her yet?
RUFUS
Not the right time.
SERENDIPITY
How uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the
lips...
RUFUS
The nails.
Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracks up.
SERENDIPITY
Blasphemer.
Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise.
SERENDIPITY
Shit. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash.
RUFUS
(hugs her)
Good luck.
Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity turns on the Golgothan.
SERENDIPITY
Alright, Stinky - let's see what you know.
EXT. CHURCH -DAY
A suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters.
MAN
And now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness'
'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign, ladies and gentlemen
of the press, I give you the driving force behind
the movement - Cardinal Glick.
The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one as more of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers.
GLICK
Thank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's
chief patrons, who donated the stained-glass likeness
of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery that welcomes you
as you enter the church every Sunday.
(off index cards)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny
that the Catholic Church has fallen behind somewhat
in the times. Catholicism usually strikes the
average person as an old-fashioned remedy for the
ills - both moral and psychological - of a society
that has since left it's stringent rules and ornate
rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track
cassettes. And in an effort to disprove that, the
Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal,
both of faith and of style. So, it is with great
pleasure, that I present you and your parish - mere
days away from it's centennial celebration - and
the continental United States, via Satellite with
the first of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -
Wow!' campaign will unveil over the next year.
(applause)
Now, what does this mean for the average churchgoer?
Are we going to throw out the rule book and adopt
a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No.
We're simply talking about a few minor alterations
to both the aesthetic and theoretical aspects of a
religion that boasts one of the highest membership
numbers on the planet.
A few applauses ring out. Glick smiles.
GLICK
Thank you, thank you. So what are we talking about
here. Well, for example...
(pulls out crucifix)
while it has been a time-honored and traditional
symbol of our faith, we have decided to retire the
highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing symbol
of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well,
look at it. Would you relish being a member of a
group that uses a man nailed to two pieces of wood
as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've
got enough downers in my daily routine without
having to deal with this visual every time I go to
worship. Instead, the church is going to adopt
this new, more soothing and inspiring sigil, which
we feel is in-line with our new outlook.
Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure of Christ smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes.
GLICK
See? Isn't this better? How could you not feel
just great walking into a church and seeing this
behind the priest - a positive reinforcement that
whatever we do, God thinks is 'a-okay'. I love this
thing, it's so...
REPORTER I
(interupting)
Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought
to it's position on John Doe Jersey? Will he be
given the right to die with dignity?
Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes.
GLICK
C'mon people. We're not here to talk about that.
It's an issue we stand firm on - euthanasia is a
big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder.
Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're
here to talk about this little guy - your friend
and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see
it on chains around people's necks, and as the
new background in avant garde, MTV videos?
INT. BUS TERMINAL - DAY
The image of the 'Happy Jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a TV monitor, a label reading 'LIVE VIA SATE LLITE - RED BANK, NEW JERSEY' at the bottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another.
LOKI
And you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence
over this culture.
BARTLEBY
We're getting out of here at just the right time.
These people are nuts.
LOKI
(off TV)
And that's the church we're heading to?
BARTLEBY
(steps to ticket window)
If you want to go home...
(to WOMAN in window)
Two tickets to New Jersey, please.
WOMAN
Jersey's sold out, sir.
BARTLEBY
Are you sure?
WOMAN
The computer says.
LOKI
Come on - how many people can possibly be going
to New Jersey?
WOMAN
Enough to fill a bus.
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
You had to drag that judgement out. You couldn't
just hit and run.
(to Woman)
When's the next one?
WOMAN
Same time tomorrow.
BARTLEBY
What?! Doesn't this place warrant at least two
buses a day?
WOMAN
I take it you've never been to the Garden State.
Next.
Bartleby and Loki look around.
LOKI
There's no one else here.
WOMAN
Then I guess it's lunch time.
(she shuts her window)
LOKI
We should have learned to drive a long time ago.
Infinite celestial power and we can't catch a bus.
BARTLEBY
Just shut up, this is your fault.
LOKI
You can either lament over our mass transit folly,
or you can listen to my suggestion.
BARTLEBY
It's your suggestions that prevent us from
negotiating what should be a simple matter of
catching or staying on a bus!
LOKI
Why fall victim to gravity when we can just as
easily rise above?
BARTLEBY
(stares at him)
Fly?
LOKI
We got wings, right? Let's use them.
OC VOICE
I wouldn't suggest that.
The pair spin and gawk.
AZRAEL leans in the doorway. He removes his hat, revealing two stubby horns.
AZRAEL
You wouldn't want to stand out, now would you?
INT. STRIP JOINT. BASEMENT - DUSK
NoMan is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Serendipity draws a circle around him with lipstick. Once finished. she takes a glass of water and throws it into No Man's face. It roars to life. The Golgothan shakes of his daze, turning his attention on Serendipity.
NoMAN
The Muse. They told us you were up here.
SERENDIPITY
Matter of perspective, NoMan. I like to think of
it as 'down here'. I have a few questions for you,
sir.
NoMAN
Free us from these binds, that you may have answers.
SERENDIPITY
(head s toward it)
Okay.
(stops; sarcastic)
Oh wait. I'm smarter than that.
NoMan lets out a bellow.
SERENDIPITY
Face it, big guy - I'm not releasing you until I
get answers. This can go hard or easy. The sooner
I get what I want, the sooner you'll be free. Now,
you can start by telling me why you're on this
plane?
NoMAN
(beat)
Liquidate the Last Scion.
SERENDIPITY
See? That wasn't so hard. Now - who sent you? Was
it Lucifer?
NoMan laughs in a sinister fashion.
NoMAN
Our master is no one and all. For a time, he will
be prince of this world - and the fate of those
who dwell in it will be at the mercy of his
whimsy. And then he will sever reality and crush
existence, like a thumb punctures a fontanel,
giving peace to those who've been without for so
long.
SERENDIPITY
Did Bartleby and Loki send you?
NoMAN
Resist no further, Muse. Deliver over to us the
conflicted one, that this world may die screaming.
No power - divine or inherited - threatens the
crusade. You cannot win. Soon will rise of the cry
of the abandoned, begging your God to put an end
to the madness. And only as being becomes not,
will they know that the God of Abraham lay dormant
while the dream perished in a blink. Your God is
not dead - He's brain dead.
SERENDIPITY
She, you chauvinist bastard - She's brain dead.
And no She's not. Stop trying to be so spooky.
Tell me who sent you, or I'll use whatever
influence I have 'below' to make Hell even worse
for you.
NoMAN
You speak of Azrael.
(he laughs)
We pity you, Muse. You're still playing the old
game. The one that could have made good on your
threat is gone.
SERENDIPITY
What do you mean gone? He escaped?
NoMAN
No soul escapes Hell, but one.
(beat - as if It's heard something)
Would that I could cross the threshold of your
confining circle, I would crush your half-life
throat. But my Master does not abandon me to this
mockery of a prison. We will come back for the
girl. And when we do, it will take more than
fragrant mist to keep our hands from crushing her
head.
NoMan goes stiff and then limp. His body begins to melt.
INT. TOY STORE - DAY
Azrael leads Bartleby and Loki through the aisles, passing tons of stuffed animals.
BARTLEBY
Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?
AZRAEL
I told them I was coming up on a routine
possession. I don't have much time. If they figure
out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
BARTLEBY
You lied?
LOKI
Go figure. Him. A demon.
(to Azrael)
Why'd you bring us in here?
AZRAEL
Because you two fucks are inches away from getting
yourselves caught. Going around killing people,
about to uncase your wings... don't you have any
idea what's going on?
LOKI
We're going back home.
AZRAEL
Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz
back into Heaven?
BARTLEBY
Why not? We're going back clean.
AZRAEL
Let me let you in on a little secret, okay:
everyone is looking for you. Both sides - above
and below. The orders are to terminate you on
sight.
BARTLEBY
(shocked)
Why?
AZRAEL
You're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the
grapevine is that God's pissed off at your
presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because
you assholes might just succeed where he's failed
so many times, making him look bad.
BARTLEBY
So they're going to kill us?!?
AZRAEL
They're going to try. That's why you have to
travel incognito - tone down your behavior, stay
off their respective radar. Go about this thing
more subtly. Quit killing people - that's high
profile. And for God's sake, don't uncase your
wings until you have to transubstantiate. Because
the minute you let them flap, legions of thrones
and hordes of demons will fight each other over
who gets to kill you first.
(looks OC)
Shhhh!
A WOMAN and her small DAUGHTER walk past. While the Woman looks at the items on the top shelf, Loki pulls off Azrael's hat and taps the Daughter on the shoulder. He points to Azrael's horns. The Woman pulls the Daughter further down the aisle, oblivious to the trio.
DAUGHTER
Mommy, that man had horns.
Azrael grabs his hat and puts it back on.
AZRAEL
That's the kind of shit I'm talking about!
LOKI
Oh, lighten up.
BARTLEBY
(still reeling)
I can't believe they want to kill us.
AZRAEL
Believe it, boys. They've even got the Last Scion
looking for you.
LOKI
You're kidding!
AZRAEL
This is big. I'm telling you. Your re-entry is a
thorn in a lot of sides, and they'll stop at
nothing to prevent it.
LOKI
If that's the case, then why aren't you hunting
for us too?
AZRAEL
Because I want to see you go back. You were both
given a raw deal; almost as raw as mine. If you
make it back, then I figure there's hope for me.
(looks around)
In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate
mode of transportation. If anything else comes up,
I'll contact you.
BARTLEBY
Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
AZRAEL
Would you expect anything less from a demon. I
have to get back to the Pit, before they get
suspicious.
(turns to leave)
LOKI
Hey Az - what's it like down there. Is it as bad
as they say?
AZRAEL
Give you a hint: they've been playing 'Mrs.
Doubtfire' continuously for two years now.
(exits)
LOKI
(looks at Bartleby)
Shit man - that is punishment.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT
The Train chugs through the darkness.
INT. TRAIN - NIGHT
Bethany and Rufus sit across from one another. They stare out the window.
RUFUS
How you coping, kid?
BETHANY
It's weird. just when I think I've got a handle on
Things, something wholly unbelievable presents
itself. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed home.
RUFUS
You sound like the Man.
BETHANY
(beat)
What was He like?
RUFUS
Jesus? Black.
BETHANY
Besides that.
RUFUS
The brother was centered. I mean, He was God,
right? But I think He felt left out because He was
more than human, you know? We used to sit around
the fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be
talking about what ass-holes the Romans were or
getting laid...
BETHANY
Some things never change.
RUFUS
...and He'd just sit there listening and smiling.
We'd ask Him why He never joined in the convo, but
He said He just liked to hear us talk; about
anything. Said it was like music. I think He just
wished He had unimportant shit to talk about
himself.
BETHANY
How does He feel now?
RUFUS
He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see
the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars,
bigotry, but especially the factioning of all the
religions. He said humanity took a good idea and,
like always, built a belief structure on it.
BETHANY
Having beliefs isn't good?
RUFUS
I think it's better to have ideas. You can change
an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life
should malleable and progressive; working from
idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to
certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't
generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one
thing the Man hated - still life. He wanted
everyone to be as enthralled with living as He
was. Maybe it had something to do with knowing
when He was going to die. but Christ had this
vitality that I've never encountered in another
person since. You know what I'm saving?
BETHANY
He was big on life?
RUFUS
It was more than that. He was the only person I
ever knew who never engaged in that most ancient
of life-affirming activities.
BETHANY
Sex.
RUFUS
Debate. That's the only way people know how to
reaffirm that they're alive - by debating. In all
it's forms. People spend their whole lives
debating: we fight about who's right and who's
wrong, we fight ourselves, we fight each other, we
fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over
fights. We believe that to stop debating - in any
fashion -is to stop living and give up. People say
that life's a struggle, but it's not. Life is
living. I'm even guilty of it myself, the way I go
on about Christ's ethnicity, fighting for the
truth to come out. And I'm dead. Even in death,
the only way I know how to live is through debate.
That's sad, isn't it?
BETHANY
Not if you believe it's important for people to
know.
RUFUS
A belief's a dangerous thing, Bethany. People die
for it. People kill for it. The whole of existence
is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic
Belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence
bullshit. And whether they know it or not,
Bartleby and Loki are exploiting that belief, and
if they're successful, you, me. all of this...
ends in a heartbeat.
(beat)
All over a belief.
Bethany nods. Rufus looks around.
RUFUS
I haven't seen the moron twins in awhile.
BETHANY
They went to the lounge car to smoke.
(getting up)
I'll go find them; make sure they're not getting
into any trouble.
RUFUS
I'm going to catch a few Z's. Forgot how tiring
living can be.
Bethany heads off Rufus looks out the window, then shuts his eyes.
INT. LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany enters and spots jay and Silent Bob, talking to a n unseen party.
BETHANY
You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?
JAY
Nope. Just about to smoke a bowl with our new
friends. You in?
BETHANY
And who are your new friends?
JAY
They just got in at the last stop.
Silent Bob moves over, revealing the new friends.
JAY
This is Larry and Barry.
Bartleby and Loki smile at Bethany.
LOKI
Jay tells us you're going to sleep with him.
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
The train rushes over head.
INT. LOUNGE CAR - LATER
Loki, Jay, and Silent Bob pass a joint under the table and take quick hits, trying to remain casual. Jay pounds the table happily.
Bartleby and Bethany lay on either side of the table in their booth.
BETHANY
You can smoke up with them if you want. You don't
have to keep me company.
BARTLEBY
It's a long trip. There'll be plenty of time
later.
(beat)
So why are you heading to Jersey?
BETHANY
There's just this thing there I'm supposed to do.
How about you?
BARTLEBY
We're going home.
BETHANY
Do you two live together?
BARTLEBY
Unfortunately. Do you live with those guys?
BETHANY
God, no. Not they just sort of adopted me.
BARTLEBY
They're funny as hell. The big one never says a
word.
BETHANY
I wish the little one would take a cue from him.
But they're okay, as far as stoner's go.
BARTLEBY
Lo... Larry's taken an immediate shine to them,
and he usually hates people.
BETHANY
How long've you two been together?
BARTLEBY
Awhile. He's great company. He can be a little
flaky sometimes, but we've got a lot in common.
BETHANY
How'd you meet?
BARTLEBY
We were stationed together.
BETHANY
See? That's beautiful. And everyone's always up-
in-arms about this 'out-in-the-military' issue.
BARTLEBY
What do you mean?
BETHANY
Well there's all that macho bullshit about it
being 'This Man's Army'. And you two meet and hook
up while in the service, which is so special -
because it's so hard to meet anyone you can
seriously relate to...
BARTLEBY
(catches on)
You think we're lovers?! Oh no. No, we're not gay.
BETHANY
(laughs)
Oh God, I'm sorry'. I just assumed...
BARTLEBY
No. We live together and all, but at the end of
the night, I go to my room. and he goes to his.
(beat)
Why? Do I come off as gay?
BETHANY
(laughing)
No, not at all. I'm sorry. My ex-husband kind of
fouled up my relationship awareness barometer.
BARTLEBY
You're divorced?
BETHANY
That's the nice way of putting it. I consider it
being dumped.
BARTLEBY
I was dumped once. More or less.
BETHANY
It's terrible, isn't it? Don't you constantly
question your value - like why was I so easy to
cast aside? Didn't I have merit?
BARTLEBY
And you wonder if the other party's going to come
to their senses and call you back.
BETHANY
The worst is that I still think like a couple.
After all these years, I still have the 'we'
mentality.
BARTLEBY
Mine grew out of what was really a stupid
misunderstanding. A misunderstanding that grew
into a total withdrawal of communication.
Abandonment. And even though it was years ago,
there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder
what went wrong. And then it hits me - I was
replaced by someone. A lot of someones.
BETHANY
And they always tell you it'll hurt less with
time...
BARTLEBY
...when actually, it hurts more.
BETHANY
(beat)
You know what we need? We need some drinks. A lot
of drinks. Do you agree?
BARTLEBY
Whole-heartedly.
INT. TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus continues to slumber.
INT. LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Jay is asleep on Silent Bob's shoulder, drooling slightly. Loki talks with Silent Bob.
LOKI
I'm telling you, man - it's all about organized
religion and society's battle against it. The
Rebels are fighting the Empire, right? Now the
Empire is led by whom? Darth Vader? No. It's led
by the Emperor. And the Emperor is a practitioner
of the Force, albeit the Dark Side of the Force.
And the Force is basically a religion.
(Silent Bob nods)
So the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule, and
the Imperial government is run by this old
religion. What you have, then, is a theocratic
government - a government run by the church. So
Luke, Han, and Leia are fighting that government
to liberate the galaxy from the pious grip of what
is, in essence, holy mother church.
Silent Bob nods in understanding.
Bethany and Bartleby slump in their booth, the table loaded with empty glasses. Bethany is quite tipsy. Bartleby sips his drinks, and surreptitiously spits it out.
BARTLEBY
You're saying you still go to church?
BETHANY
(laughs)
Every Sunday.
BARTLEBY
Does it do anything for you?
BETHANY
(thinks)
Gives me time to balance my check book every week.
BARTLEBY
See? That's what I'm talking about. People don't
go to church and feel spiritual. They go to church
and feel bored. But they keep going. Every week.
Out of habit.
BETHANY
Or in habit, if you're a nun.
BARTLEBY
Oh... that wasn't very funny at all.
BETHANY
A friend of mine told me that church is like bad
sex: it's messy and there's no foreplay...
(starts laughing)
No, that's not it. I am so buzzed.
BARTLEBY
When do you think you lost your faith?
BETHANY
I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone
with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me
through what was happening to me and my marriage.
And she said something like "There's always a
plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know
she was talking about God, right - God had a plan.
But I was like "What about my plans?" You know?
Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned
to grow old with my husband and have a family -
wasn't that plan good enough for God?
(beat)
Apparently not.
(swigs her drink)
How about you? When did you lose your faith?
BARTLEBY
Me? Years ago. One day, God just stopped
listening. I kept talking, but I got the distinct
impression that He wasn't listening anymore.
BETHANY
She. And how do you know She was listening in the
first place?
BARTLEBY
(thinks)
I guess I don't.
BETHANY
I hate thoughts like that. But they occur to you
with age. When you're a kid, you never question
the whole faith thing - God's in Heaven, and
He's... She's always got her eye on you. I'd give
anything to feel that way again. Which is why I
guess I let myself get talked into this
pilgrimage. I needed proof. And the opportunity
presented itself to find out if it is like they
told us in Catholic school. And I gotta tell you -
the last few days, I've come across some
interesting people that lend toward convincing me.
BARTLEBY
Where's this pilgrimage to?
INT. TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus stirs. He looks around and stretches.
INT. LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany and Bartleby continue their discussion.
BETHANY
You'd never believe me if I told you.
BARTLEBY
Try me.
BETHANY
Alright. But I warned you. Okay - I'm going to
this church in New Jersey.
BARTLEBY
Really...
INT. TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus heads toward the back of the car. He opens the door between the cars and exits.
INT. L OUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany and Bartleby talk further. Bartleby's intrigued.
BETHANY
I was told that I'm supposed to stop a couple of
angels from entering the church. They're trying...
(laughing)
This sounds so stupid... They're trying to get
back into Heaven.
INT. TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus passes through another car and opens the door at the end.
INT. LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bartleby grows very tense. Bethany rattles on, half-toasted.
BETHANY
See, they got tossed out of Heaven years ago,
right? And if they get back in, it proves God
wrong. And since God is infallible, to prove Her
wrong would...
(laughing hard)
..would unmake existence! I feel so stupid just
saying it.
Bartleby's eyes are wide. He looks scared. Then, a calm falls over him.
BETHANY
(laughing)
But the thing I don't get... is how do I stop an
angel? Two, even! I guess I'm supposed to talk
them out of it or something.
Bartleby surreptitiously slides a knife off the table.
BARTLEBY
Maybe you're supposed to kill them?
Bethany breaks into hysterics.
INT. TRAIN CAR - NIGHT
Rufus pulls open another door and exits.
INT. LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT
Bethany's still cracking up, oblivious to the on-the-defensive Bartleby.
BETHANY
Oh yeah! Kill them! Even if that was the case... I
mean, how do you kill an angel?
BARTLEBY
I don't imagine it's much different...
(slowly lifts the knife)
...from killing a human...
The door behind them slides open. Rufus steps in.
RUFUS
Where the hell is everybody? I wake up, and...
He sees Bartleby. They both freeze.
BARTLEBY
The Apostle!
RUFUS
Holy shit!
BETHANY
(stumbling to her feet)
Rufus, I want you to meet my friend, Barry...
Bartleby leaps out of the booth and grabs Bethany, holding the knife to her throat.
BETHANY
(chuckling)
Barry! Don't be such a show off!
RUFUS
Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go and let's
talk about this.
BARTLEBY
After all this time, this is what it comes down to
- slaughtered by this meat puppet?!
RUFUS
There doesn't have to be a slaughter. We can work
this out...
BETHANY
Is that a knife?
BARTLEBY
Oh, we can work it out, alright. I'm going to work
the blade in and out of her thorax!
(calling over shoulder)
Loki!
Loki catches the action and reacts.
LOKI
Holy shit - the Apostle!
He leaps from the table. Jay stirs and wakes up.
JAY
(half asleep)
I didn't come in you, I swear...
(looks around)
Bartleby, with Bethany in hand, faces off against Rufus. Loki joins them.
LOKI
(to Rufus)
What are you doing here?
BARTLEBY
They're here to thwart our journey home, my
friend. This one just told me that she's supposed
to stop a couple of angels from entering a church.
LOKI
You think she was talking about us?
BARTLEBY
I'd say there was a pretty good chance. What do
you say, Rufus - we're to be liquidated?
RUFUS
It doesn't have to go down like that! You haven't
thought about the consequences of re-entry!
LOKI
Consequences, schmonsequences.
BARTLEBY
I have to agree with him. No one - not you, and
especially not this finite-lifer - no one is going
to impede us. We're going home, regardless of
whose pride it may hurt!
RUFUS
It's not a question of pride, it's...
BARTLEBY
Loki - kill the girl.
LOKI
(beat)
What are you, high?
BARTLEBY
Do it!
LOKI
I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you
know that. And it looks like she's 'on the job',
so to speak...
BARTLEBY
Fine! I'll kill her myself...
A hand lands on Bartleby's shoulder.
JAY
(oblivious to the situation)
Hey man - now it's your turn. We got enough for a
fatty boom-batty, biggety blunt!
Bartleby turns the knife on him.
JAY
(not quite getting it yet)
We having cake or something?
Loki backhands Jay, stunning him.
JAY
(dazed)
Ingrates...
Jay drops to the floor, out cold. Silent Bob grabs Loki and hurls him down the aisle. Rufus grabs Bartleby's knife hand. They struggle. Bethany collapses.
RUFUS
TUBBY! THE DOOR!
Silent Bob jumps over Loki and opens the back door of the car. He grabs Loki by the collar.
LOKI
Wait, man! Can't we talk about this?!
He throws Loki out the door, off the train.
Rufus squeezes Bartleby's hand. Bartleby drops the knife and punches Rufus in the face. Bethany jumps on Bartleby's back, covering his eyes. They careen down the aisle, toward Silent Bob. He pulls Bethany off Bartleby's back and kicks him out the back door, off the train. He quickly slams the door closed and leans against it.
The Bartender stares at him.
Silent Bob brushes off his coat and thumbs toward the door.
SILENT BOB
No ticket.
Rufus rubs his jaw. Bethany crawls up beside him, breathing heavily.
BETHANY
I should have known something was wrong when he
paid for all the drinks.
INT. UNDERGROUND GARAGE - NIGHT
A door is kicked open. Loki enters, brushing himself off. Bartleby follows.
LOKI
The Apostle is here!
BARTLEBY
I noticed.
LOKI
If that's the case, the chick with him must be...
BARTLEBY
The Scion, I'd imagine.
(leans against the wall; slides down)
LOKI
(in a panic)
Well, shit man! Maybe we should rethink this whole
thing! I mean, you heard the guy - he said there
were consequences. Azrael tells us we're marked.
Maybe there's more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby leans against the wall, sitting on the ground. His demeanor has changed. He stares into space.
BARTLEBY
There sure is.
(beat)
It's them.
LOKI
(beat)
What?
BARTLEBY
(shakes his head)
Them.
LOKI
(thinks)
The movie about the giant ants?
BARTLEBY
Them - the humans. It's what it all comes down to,
you know? Us against humanity... kind of like that
giant ant movie.
LOKI
(beat)
Are you alright?
BARTLEBY
I'm better than alright. I've had an epiphany, my
friend.
LOKI
An... epiphany. Yes, well... that'll happen.
BARTLEBY
When that sweet, innocent girl let her mission
slip, I suddenly understood it all - everything.
For the first time in all these eons, I get it.
LOKI
(beat)
Get what?
BARTLEBY
In the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels
and God. And then He created the humans. And He
gave them more than He ever gave us. Ours was
designed to be a life of servitude and worship -
adoration. But He gave the humans more - He gave
them a choice. They can choose to ignore God,
choose to acknowledge Him. All this time we've
been down here, everyday I felt the absence of the
Divine presence. And it pained me... as I'm sure
it must have pained you sometimes, even though
you'd gloss over it with jokes. But we feel his
absence, and why? Because of the way He made us -
as servants. Had we been given free will, we could
ignore the pain... like them.
LOKI
You know - maybe you should take a nap or
something.
BARTLEBY
Loki, don't you get it? It's the humans - it's
always the humans. They were given paradise; they
threw it away. They were given this planet; they
destroyed it. They were favored best among all His
endeavors; and some of them don't even believe He
exists. Their ego-mania corroded Hell and made it
dark and crimson.
(looks at Loki)
I asked you to lay down your sword years ago -
why? Because I felt sorry for them. And where did
it get us? Thrown out.
(smiles)
We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we
went home? And to d o that, I think we have to
dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
LOKI
Wait, wait, wait - kill them?! You're talking
about the Last Scion, for Christ's sake! And what
about Jay and Bob - I mean, those guys were
alright.
BARTLEBY
Don't, my friend. Don't let your sympathies get
the best of you, as they did me way back when.
Scion or not, she's just a human. And regardless,
our sins are forgiven by passing through that
arch. No harm, no foul.
LOKI
That sounds thin.
BARTLEBY
Fine. We'll cover ourselves. We'll take out a slew
of people. Maybe amidst the body count, He won't
notice.
LOKI
Oh, that's being realistic.
Bartleby reaches out and grabs Loki, slamming him against the wall.
BARTLEBY
I'm going home, Loki. And nobody - not even the
Almighty Himself - is going to make that
otherwise.
Bartleby releases Loki and smiles. He exits. Loki watches him.
LOKI
Shit.
He follows.
EXT. CAMP FIRE - NIGHT
Another Newspaper headline regarding 'John Doe Jersey' fills the frame. It is lowered to reveal Jay, Bethany, and Rufus sitting around a makeshift fire in the middle of nowhere. Jay rolls a joint. Silent Bob reads the paper.
BETHANY
I don't understand why we couldn't stay on the
train. You threw those guys off.
RUFUS
A very basic strategy - if your enemies know where
you are, then don't be there.
BETHANY
And what's with that? Why are we enemies? The guy
almost gutted me, for God's sake!
JAY
He had the knife at your throat. To gut you, he'd
have to have the knife at your stomach.
BETHANY
Semantics! Semantics that don't even answer my
questi on.
RUFUS
Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill
me as my enemy.
BETHANY
What do you mean, kill? I wasn't asked to kill
them - just stop them from going into that church.
RUFUS
And how were you going to do that? Preoccupy them
with a game of Bingo?
BETHANY
I've never killed anything before in my life!
JAY
I'll do it.
RUFUS
Shut the fuck up, little man - you couldn't kill
a pint of ice cream, let alone an angel.
JAY
Fuck you - I can kill an angel as good as the next
guy.
RUFUS
Oh yeah? How' would you do it?
JAY
I'd give him a Van Damme neck-break, like in 'Hard
Target'. D'jou see that flick?
RUFUS
(ignoring jay; to Bethany)
Killing an angel's a two-step process - first you
have to cut off their wings, which then makes them
human. From that point on, it's the same as
killing anything else - head or heart, take your
pick.
BETHANY
You say it as if it's easy.
RUFUS
(oblivious to Jay)
Problem is, I don't think we could pull it off
even if we wanted to. All this time away from the
Divine Presence should have made those two weaker
- and those guys felt far from weak. Either that
or someone's protecting them - someone with juice.
BETHANY
So then we're screwed?
(shrugs)
Shit, that's the best news I've heard in days.
RUFUS
This doesn't excuse you from trying to stop them.
BETHANY
Count me out. You're telling me they're
unstoppable, I'm exhausted - both psychologically
and physically, the odds are against us. I say we
kick back and wait for the end - a little
nonexistence might be just what the doctor
ordered.
JAY
I'm with her. I don't care about dying, so long as
we're all going to die.
RUFUS
What are you babbling about now?
JAY
If I was the only one, that'd bother me because
everyone else would go on living, having a good
time without me. But if we all go at once, that'd
be okay, because I know I'm not missing anything.
BETHANY
See? You know it's right when even he's making
sense.
JAY
Besides, she said if we were in a situation where
we were going to die in like five minutes, she'd
have sex with me and Silent Bob.
RUFUS
So you're suggesting she throw in the towel and
let eons of work and history get blinked out of
existence just so you can get laid?
JAY
(thinks)
No. Just so me and Silent Bob could get laid.
BETHANY
Now that we're all but in total agreement on this,
I'd just like to finally know - why me?
JAY
Because you've got nice tits.
BETHANY
I wasn't talking to you!
(to Rufus)
Why me? Why do I have to do this? Nobody's come
clean on that. Out of everyone on the whole
god-damned planet. How come I got tapped?
Rufus looks at her. He shrugs.
RUFUS
Family ties.
JAY
That show's funny as hell.
RUFUS
Shut up.
(to Bethany)
Do you know what the Apocryphal books are?
Bethany shakes her head no.
RUFUS
Most of that information in the Bible came from
the Dead Sea Scrolls - ancient text discovered in
a cave ages ago. And when the Sanskrit was
translated, they discovered data that conflicted
with the lore church officials had already
established as the basis of their religion. They
couldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they
thought it best to leave certain passages out -
sometimes whole books. Those books make up the
Apocrypha.
BETHANY
What's this have to do with me?
RUFUS
You've never gotten the complete picture. If they
had compiled the material together like they were
supposed to, you'd get the whole story. But by
leaving text out, the church has presented you
people with an extremely sterile and unmoving
account of religious history. The Creation, the
entire Old Testament, the history of Christ...
(let's her take it in)
Forget about my whole black angle for a minute...
JAY
We might if you'd quit bringing it up.
Rufus backhands Jay. Silent Bob holds jay back. Rufus continues, oblivious to Jay.
RUFUS
He goes from twelve years old to thirty. Whole
volumes of text about the eighteen year struggle
with His Divine nature prior to His acceptance of
it were thrown out, forever lost to the faithful.
BETHANY
I don't buy it. Integral material like that would
give people a better understanding of the nature
of God. Why leave it out?
RUFUS
Because it was all closely tied in with His
family.
BETHANY
His mother and father?
RUFUS
His brothers and sisters.
BETHANY
(beat)
Wait, wait, wait - Jesus didn't have any brothers
or sisters. Mary was a virgin - that's why it's
called the Immaculate Conception.
RUFUS
Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a
man's touch - that's true. But she did have a
husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed
married to her all those years if he wasn't
getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin
Birth - those are leaps of faith. But believing a
wife never humped her husband - that's just
gullibility.
BETHANY
(sudden realization)
MARY AND JOSEPH HAD SEX?!?
RUFUS
All the time, from what I understand. Jesus used
to tell me stories about hearing them through the
walls when He was a kid.
(beat)
So you ask why you got tapped. I'll tell you why:
a Christ was the salvation of this world once
before. And you're the closest thing to a Christ
that still walks.
BETHANY
Meaning?
RUFUS
The blood that flows in your veins shares a
chromosome or two at the genetic level with the
man you call Jesus.
(hand on her shoulder)
You're His great-grand-niece.
Bethany's jaw drops. A high-pitched squeak of a word escapes her lips.
JAY
(takes a hit from his joint)
So... that would make Bethany part black.
(to Silent Bob)
Man, this is just like when Vader told Luke he was
his father.
RUFUS
I just wish I knew what the hell we're supposed to
do now?
OC VOICE
You must go to the Dagobah system and find Yoda -
the Jedi Master who instructed me.
Everyone turns around. Metatron leans against a tree.
METATRON
God. I've always wanted to say that.
RUFUS
The voice.
METATRON
(mimicking his shock)
The Apostle!
(sits down with them)
BETHANY
Now you show up! Where were you when that
psychotic bastard had a knife to my throat?
METATRON
I told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not
dead are you?
RUFUS
What are you doing here anyway?
METATRON
I felt left out. Everyone's sitting around coming
clean, I thought I'd join in with a confession of
mine own.
JAY
Now who's this mother fucker?
RUFUS
This is the Voice of God - show some respect.
JAY
The Voice of God? Where's the rest of Him?
METATRON
Funny you should mention that - we're not sure.
BETHANY
Excuse me?
METATRON
Didn't it ever occur to you that this Bartleby/
Loki situation was well within the realm of His
control?
RUFUS
If that's the case, then why was Bethany tapped?
METATRON
You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
BETHANY
Constitutionals?
RUFUS
I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.
(to Bethany)
God's a skee-ball fanatic.
METATRON
Let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that
surrounds Him, alright?
(to Bethany)
Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game;
been playing it for years - He assumes a human
form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell
anyone where He's playing; just goes away for a
couple of hours. It's quite understandable - a
small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been
proven as a highly effective means of therapeutic
relaxation. And from what I understand, He always
gives his free points away to neighborhood
children. Isn't that sweet?
BETHANY
But She hasn't come back from one of those
day-trips, is what you're getting at?
METATRON
(to Rufus)
'She'? I take it she's met the Muse.
(to Bethany)
No, 'She' hasn't. And we've been unable to locate
Her.
RUFUS
Maybe He was killed? Human form has that drawback.
METATRON
No - there's a different sort of foul-play afoot,
children. Whomever has set the renegade angels on
their path and is keeping them quite well-hidden,
is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts.
Were He to be killed in human form, He'd have
immediately returned to Paradise. Somebody knew
enough to keep the body alive, but incapacitate
Him in another fashion - He's trapped in a body.
RUFUS
So God's not dead...
JAY
He's brain dead.
METATRON
So it would seem. And as omnipotent as we are
above, I have to admit that we're more or less
lost without His presence. We've had our people
looking everywhere for Him. And I tapped her,
because I thought we might be able to smoke out
whoever's behind this. But whoever it is has b een
clever enough to send some lackeys after you, as
opposed to showing up themselves.
RUFUS
Can it be Lucifer?
METATRON
Thankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in
the nether-regions. I know they're not responsible
- at least not Lucifer. If he was, he'd have made
his move by now to conquer Heaven. And I know he's
not responsible for Bartleby and Loki because he'd
have just as much to lose by their return as
everyone else.
RUFUS
Then what about the Golgothan and the Triplets?
METATRON
Don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell.
Anybody can summon one.
JAY
(excited)
Yeah?
Silent Bob hands Jay his newspaper and points. Jay reads.
BETHANY
Don't encourage them. And why did you lie to me?
You said I was tapped as a test?
METATRON
No, you said that - I just didn't correct you. You
were shocked enough - how do you think you
would've taken it if I told you the face of God
belonged on the back of a milk carton?
RUFUS
So what do we do now?
METATRON
I say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of
ideas.
JAY
(off paper)
Why don't we just ask this guy to close the
church?
METATRON
I beg your pardon?
JAY
Here.
(hands group the paper)
BETHANY
(reading)
'Glick Takes Heat for Campaign'?
JAY
It's the guy in charge of the church thing.
BETHANY
(reading)
'Cardinal Glick has come under fire for the
blatant pandering and questionable direction of
his church-sanctioned 'Catholicism - Wow!'
campaign. When asked about his motivations for
decommissioning the traditional baptismal fonts
in favor of the proposed Olym pic sized lap-pools
beneath parish floors, Glick responded "Come on -
who doesn't like a pool party?"
JAY
Maybe you could tell him to shut down the church.
If it's closed on that day, those guys can't get
blessed or whatever - right?
METATRON
Good Lord - he's got a point.
BETHANY
I think Silent Bob had a point. But sure - we can
go to him and explain the situation somehow.
RUFUS
'We'? You're back in?
BETHANY
Well, mine is a heritage Divine... and I wouldn't
want to let down the family.
(smiles)
METATRON
(off Silent Bob)
Well, well, well - the prophets finally live up to
their titles.
Silent Bob shrugs. Jay is trying to look down Serendipity's shirt. She back-hands him.
TELEVISION SCREEN - COMMERCIAL
Two cartoon ALTAR BOYS sift through their bowls of cereal.
ALTAR 1
The same boring cereal again?
A cheesy CARTOON CHRIST floats down from above.
CHRIST
Man cannot live on boring cereal alone!
ALTAR 1 & 2
IT'S JESUS!
Jesus pulls a box of HOSTIES cereal from his sash.
CHRIST
Why not try Hosties!
CL on cereal pouring into a bowl. It's shaped like Eucharistic hosts. Milk follows.
CHRIST VO
New Hosties is fortified with vitamins and
minerals, topped off with an angelic kiss of
frosting that stays crispy in milk!
Christ's hands on their shoulders, the Altar Boys down their cereal happily.
CHRIST
Hosties is an important part of any nutritious
breakfast, and each one is blessed by a high
ranking Vatican Monsignor - good for the body, and
good for the soul. But make sure you've confessed
beforehand...
Altar 2 clutches at his throat, gasping.
ALTAR 2
I... I touched... m..myself! I'm...s...sorry...
CHRIST
(smiling benignly)
You're forgiven.
Altar 2 stops choking and continues eating, happily.
CHRIST
So try a bowl of Hosties! And don't just take my
word for it...
A cartoon POPE pops out of the box, eating a spoonful of cereal.
POPE
They're Heavenly!
INT. GLICK'S OFFICE - DESK
A hand switches off the TV Pan up to Cardinal Glick, all smiles.
GLICK
Well...? Doesn't it pop?
Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob are at a total loss for words.
JAY
(After a long beat)
Does it come in chocolate flavor?
The Cardinal picks up a golf putter and begins putting into an overturned glass.
GLICK
You see? Now this one's got vision!
(to Jay)
We're rolling out the flavors in September. Big
cereal month with the kids, back to school and
all.
BETHANY
It's a bit... startling.
GLICK
Exactly! And that's what we're looking to do -
shake these people up a bit, get them motivated.
That's the whole point of the campaign. Mass
attendance is at an all-time low in this country.
And it's not like we're losing them to the
Protestants or Baptists - people aren't practicing
at any denomination these days. If we can sell
them some show - let 'em know the Catholic church
has some panache, we can win them back - even get
some new ones. Fill them pews, people - that's the
key. And cross-promoting - like with the cereal
tie-in grabs the little ones as well. Hook 'em
while they're young.
(sits at his desk, lights smoke)
RUFUS
Kind of like the tobacco industry?
GLICK
Oh - if only we had their numbers. But we are
aiming for the same demographic, even though mine
is the soul-saving biz. And if I have to play a
bit of the devil to bring them closer to the Lord,
then I'll wear the cloven hooves and carry the
pitch fork.
Jay and Silent Bob adjourn themselves from the group and approach a hat rack, where the Cardinal's CASSOCK and MITER hang. Jay nudges Silent Bob.
OC BETHANY
We really appreciate you seeing us this late in
the day, your Eminence. My friends and I have
been traveling all night in hopes of getting a
chance to talk to you about the Saint Michael's
Re-Dedication ceremony.
The Cardinal blows smoke rings.
GLICK
You'd like to help out in some way?
BETHANY
We'd like you to cancel the ceremony and the
re-dedication.
GLICK
(pauses mid-ash-tap)
I beg your pardon?
Silent Bob stands alone by the coat rack. Jay leaps into the frame, cassock tied around his shoulder like a cape. He strikes a Superman pose.
OC BETHANY
There's going to be a world of trouble if
tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.
The Cardinal leans back in his chair.
GLICK
What is this - a threat? Are you planning some
sort of demonstration?
(pause)
Are you pro-choicers?
BETHANY
No, the trouble's not from us. It's from these
renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since
the plagues...
Rufus side-kicks Bethany, nonchalantly.
BETHANY
Uh... these guys who think they're renegade
angels.
RUFUS
See padre, it goes down like this - the boys
believe that by passing through the archway they
can get to Heaven. Granted, it's far-fetched, but
the brothers are convinced it's the truth.
Silent Bob watches as the Miter appears slowly from behind the partition, resembling a shark fin. It 'swims' to and fro, menacingly. Silent Bob shakes his head.
OC GLICK
And you want me to call off the ceremony... for
that?
Bethany leans forward in her seat.
BETHANY
Well, they're very passionate about it.
Dangerously so. They could turn violent if they
walk through that arch and nothing happens.
RUFUS
These guys could blow, and if they do, they're
going to take some people with them. Call this
thing off.
GLICK
(beat)
Who sent you? Someone from the Council of
Churches, right? Somebody's upset that we're
getting so much publicity - is that it? Who was
it? Rabbi Sloss?
RUFUS
We were sent by Him who is called I Am.
GLICK
Cute.
(standing)
Time to go. kids. Play time with the Cardinal is
over.
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
Worked for Moses.
BETHANY
Stay out of this.
(to Glick)
Your Eminence, it's not a joke. These guys are an
accident waiting to happen. And if the
re-dedication ceremony goes on as planned...
GLICK
...then these loonies will show up and go nuts,
thus endangering the lives of all assembled,
including the Governor, the press, me, the leaders
of the Council of Churches. Heck, let's not stop
there, maybe even God Himself.
BETHANY
You can't say Himself; it could be a woman.
GLICK
(rubs temples)
Your passion for all topics insignificant,
including the gender of our almighty lord, tests
my patience, people. Now I'm a very important man
with very important matters that demand my
attention, so if you'll please...
RUFUS
I'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake.
GLICK
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
RUFUS
What about the church's silent consent to the
slave trade?
BETHANY
And it's platform of non-involvement during the
Holocaust?
GLICK
(beat)
Alright, those were mistakes. But one can hardly
hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church
responsible for oversights of old. Now I've
indulged you for more time than I should have.
Please go.
BETHANY
But tomorrow...
GLICK
(losing it)
Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make
myself clear?! I did not labor two years and
exhaust every ounce of my being to insure that
this ceremony be a cornerstone in the most
important liturgical event since Vatican Two just
to cancel it at the zero hour at the insistence of
a wandering band of pranksters who've targeted me
as the f ocus of their evening's merriment! This
occasion is important for the congregation of this
parish, for the massive crowds coming for the
plenary indulgence, for me, for his Holiness the
Pope, and - most importantly - for the
'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign! And neither you,
nor any other influence short of the hand of
God...
(glares at Bethany)
... HIM-self will prevent it from occurring
successfully!
He violently grabs the Miter/shark fin 'swimming' behind the partition.
GLICK
AND TAKEOFF MY GODDAMN HAT!!!
Jay slowly looks over the partition.
EXT. SEASHORE
The sun slowly rises. The day has arrived.
EXT. TURNPIKE - EARLY MORNING
Amidst very little traffic, two figures emerge from the shadows on the Pennsylvania side. Bartleby and Loki step purposefully past the green sign that welcomes motorists to New Jersey.
INT. BAR - DAWN
The place is empty, except for Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob and A BARTENDER.
BETHANY
I can almost see the headlines - if there were
going to be any - "Existence Erased - Thanks to
some prick in a scarlet cape."
RUFUS
It's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear
a scarlet cape.
JAY
That ain't no crime. You wanna see a crime? Look
what we stole from the guy in the dress.
(to Silent Bob)
Hand it over.
Silent Bob pulls a golf club from out of his coat.
BETHANY
Oh my God. We're going straight to Hell, I know
it.
RUFUS
You stole the Cardinal's driver?
JAY
I told him to. You know how much these things are
worth? That's at least a couple of sodas and a
pack of smokes right there.
BETHANY
What do we do now?
RUFUS
Let them keep it. In a couple of hours, it won't
matter anyway.
BETHANY
Not that - about Bartleby and Loki!
RUFUS
We have no choice but to try to kill them.
BETHANY
(to Rufus)< /P>
But you said they couldn't be killed.
OC VOICE
Correction : they won't be killed.
The gang turns to see Azrael sitting at the bar.
AZRAEL
And just to insure that, we're all going to sit
tight, right here, until the two idiots pass
through that arch.
JAY
Hey...!
BETHANY
He wasn't talking about you two.
OC VOICE
There's only one idiot here, Azrael...
Bethany and Rufus react, as does the very surprised Azrael. Serendipity stands in the doorway.
SERENDIPITY
And that's you.
AZRAEL
The Muse. Just in time to join us for a drink.
BARTENDER
(suddenly noticing Azrael)
Hey. Where'd you come from?
AZRAEL
Nothingness. And that's where I'm returning to in
approximately...
(checks watch)
...one hour.
BARTENDER
Alright Plato - sounds like you've had enough
drinks already. Let's go.
AZRAEL
Come on Barkeep - just one drink for the road.
Then I'm gone.
Serendipity joins Bethany and Rufus. She whispers.
SERENDIPITY
I was trying to find you - to tell you I'd figured
out who was behind all this.
RUFUS
Is that who I think it is?
SERENDIPITY
None other than.
BETHANY
Who is it?
SERENDIPITY
That's my worst suspicions confirmed.
The Bartender relents.
BARTENDER
Alright - one drink. Then you're gone.
AZRAEL
Gimme a Holy Bartender.
BARTENDER
Never heard of it.
AZRAEL
(to the group)
He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You
know - don't you, Muse?
SERENDIPITY
Azrael... don't.
AZRAEL
(ignoring her)
Anybody? Well - I know how to make a Holy
Bartender.
Azrael pulls an Uzi from his coat and blows a dozen holes in the Bartender. The Stygian Triplets burst through the doors and everyone jumps to their feet, with the exception of the Bartender, who dies.
AZRAEL
Get it?
SERENDIPITY
Sweet Jesus, Azrael - why?!?
RUFUS
(rushing him)
C'mon, demon - let's see you try that shit on a
brother whose already dead!
The Stygian Triplets cross their sticks in front of Rufus to block him as Azrael trains his Uzi on Bethany.
AZRAEL
(joining them)
You maintain that kind of an attitude and you and
the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room
- the Christ-Bitch will join you.
SERENDIPITY
I can't believe you're behind this. Are you really
that stupid?! Do you know what's going to happen
if those two jerks enter that church?!
AZRAEL
I'm actually counting on it. And if my
calculations are correct, the pawns are moving in
to check-mate as we speak.
Everyone stares at Azrael, with the exception of Jay. He suddenly laughs.
JAY
I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a good one!
EXT. SAINT. MICHAEL'S CHURCH - MORNING
A formidable crowd of parishioners surrounds a small stage, ten yards from the front of the church. Banners hang everywhere, heralding 'Catholicism - Wow!' as well as the Centennial of Saint Michael's. The media eats it up.
Cardinal Glick stands at the podium, all smiles. He's in mid-speech.
GLICK
I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's
Governor, Elizabeth Dalton, for coming out an
helping us ring in the first hundred years of this
little parish. True, she's a Protestant - but we
won't hold that against her.
(crowd laughs)
Now, let me just give you a bit of history on this
particular little hundred years young House of
God...
OC BARTLEBY
This is no longer God's House. God doesn't live
here anymore.
The crowd turns, aghast. Bartleby pushes his way through them, sheepishly followed by Loki.
BARTLEBY
He's grown weary of your superficial faith and has
turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He
is no longer amused, and has abandoned you - His
favorites - to the whim of judgement. Hypocrites
and charlatans - prepare to taste God's wrath!
LOKI
(whispering)
Maybe we should just go.
BARTLEBY
You wanted your body count, you got it. This lot
is rife with sin. We'll judge them all!
Glick grabs a COP from the crowd and pushes him toward the pair.
GLICK
These are the two I was warned about, Officer
McGhee. Please assist them off the church grounds.
The Cop grabs Bartleby's arm.
COP
Alright mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal
alone and go for a ride...
Bartleby grabs the cops hand on his shoulder.
BARTLEBY
Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't
like me when I'm angry.
COP
Is that so? Well, let's just...
Bartleby throws his other hand forward and twists the Cop's head around in one brisk motion. Loki's eyes bug out. The crowd takes flight.
BARTLEBY
(releasing dead Cop)
Ladies and Gentlemen - you have been judged as
guilty of violations against our Almighty Lord.
And this very day - I assure you - you will all
pay for your trespasses... in blood.
(to Loki)
Wings. Now.
LOKI
I'm not so sure...
BARTLEBY
DO IT!
INT. BAR - LATER
Azrael still hosts his captive audience, uzi trained on the mortals. The Stygian Triplets surround them, brandishing their sticks.
BETHANY
You're a muse too?
SERENDIPITY
Former muse. He was kicked out.
AZRAEL
Tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was
slighted by the Almighty.
SERENDIPITY
You got what you deserved, you yellow shithead.
AZRAEL
Ever the apple polisher. I'd hoped that when you
left Paradise, you did it finally because you
couldn't tolerate the injustice that was visited
upon your own brother.
BETHANY
He's your brother?!
SERENDIPITY
Not technically. We were created at the same time.
AZRAEL
To compliment one another. Two spirits of pure
inspiration.
BETHANY
So what happened?
AZRAEL
Yes. What. Lucifer got restless and started his
little war for the throne. Heaven became divided
into two factions - the faithful and the
renegades. The ethereal planes were chaotic with
battle, angel against angel. And when it was all
over, God cast the rebels into perdition.
SERENDIPITY
But Azrael refused to fight. He wouldn't ally
himself to God or Lucifer. He remained in the
middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
JAY
What are you - some kind of fucking chicken?!
AZRAEL
I was an artist! I was inspiration! A muse has no
place in battle! Our job is to create - not
destroy!
SERENDIPITY
So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God
turned on those that wouldn't fight, and my
brother here was sent down with the demons.
Something he considers a grave injustice.
AZRAEL
Don't tell me that you never questioned the
judgement, Serendipity; that you don't think the
Almighty acted too rashly?
SERENDIPITY
You've been waiting for millions of years to ask
me that, haven't you? It's been on your mind since
the moment you fell. It's been gnawing at you this
long.
AZRAEL
Well?
SERENDIPITY
No, Azrael. It never bothered me, and I'll tell
you why: you stood behind your office, you prick.
So you were an artist - big deal. Elvis was an
artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the
service in time of war. That's why he's the
King... and you're a schmuck.
BETHANY
So all this is about revenge?! You're going to
unmake existence because you have a grudge against
God?!
AZRAEL
After the first million years, revenge was the< /P>
farthest thing from my mind. Self-preservation
became the only necessity.
RUFUS
Meaning?
AZRAEL
Escape. Escape from Hell became my all-consuming
reason. So I studied the religions and waited for
my opportunity to present itself; which finally
did. in the form of the plenary indulgence. And
while I couldn't exercise it myself. I knew the
perfect vessels through which I could free myself
from torment.
RUFUS
Bartleby and Loki.
AZRAEL
After that, it was a simple matter or waiting for
a church to celebrate their Centennial, and when
that finally happened, applying some of the old
inspiration tactics - by sending the pair an
article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked
up in the Pit kept them cloaked and off Heaven's
radar, and aside from the Triplets and the
Gologothan, no soul in Hell had a clue as to what
was going on.
(smiles)
Won't proud Lucifer weep when he realizes I
triumphed over the Power in a way he never dared
or dreamed.
(shakes it off)
But no plan, no matter how intricate, could
succeed if the Almighty was in the realm of the
quick. So I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious
fashion.
BETHANY
How so?
AZRAEL
Oh no. I've seen way to many Bond movies to know
that you never reveal all the details of your plan
- no matter how close you may think you are to
success. Suffice it to say, the Catholics have
been even more helpful in insuring my success than
by just supplying the clean-slate archway.
(gets up)
The only X-Factor was the involvement of the Last
Scion. I'm amazed that someone up there would have
the balls to make a move without the Lord's
say-so. Believe me - I sweated when you stumbled
upon my boys on that train. But alas, here you are
- powerless to stop the inevitable.
BETHANY
Look, asshole - I don't know if anyone explained
the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything< /P>
gets blinked out of existence - even you.
AZRAEL
(beat)
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Do
you know that once Hell was nothing more than the
absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His
presence, then you'd realize that's punishment
enough. But then your kind came along - and made
it so much worse.
BETHANY
Humans aren't capable of one hundredth the evil a
shitbag demon like yourself is.
AZRAEL
Evil is an abstract; it's a human construct. But
true to his irresponsible nature, man won t own up
to being the engineer of evil, so he blames his
dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is
limitless, and it's not enough for him to shadow
his own existence. He turned Hell into a suffering
Pitt - fire, wailing, darkness - the kind of place
anyone would do anything to get out of. And why?
Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself.
It is beyond your abilities to simply make
recompense for and regret the sins you commit. No
- you choose rather to create a psychodrama and
dwell in a foundless belief that God could never
forgive your 'grievous offenses'. So you bring
your guilt and inner-decay with you to Hell -
where the horrid imaginations of so many
gluttons-for-punishment give birth to the sickness
that has infected the abyss since the first one of
your kind arrived there, begging to be 'punished'.
And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and
solitude to pain and misery. I've spent eons privy
to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the
wail of the damned. I know what effect such
horrors have on the delicate psyche of an angelic
being.
(beat)
Would you like to glimpse pain eternal? Look...
Azrael places his hand over Bethany's eyes. For about ten seconds, we see some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery that can be crammed into 240 frames of film.
Azrael pulls his hand away. Bethany is fried, convulsing uncontrollably.
AZRAEL
I'd rather not exist than go back to that. And if
everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
SERENDIPITY
(holding up Bethany)
You're still thinking only about yourself, you
fucking child.
AZRAEL
Now, now, now. Things are getting too tense in
here. What say we watch a little TV?
(grabs remote control)
JAY
Put on channel nine - 'Davey and Goliath'!
A Stygian Triplet smacks him with it's hockey stick.
JAY
Hey!
AZRAEL
I was thinking more along the lines of current
events.
On the TV - a sweaty and panicked REPORTER barks into the camera, obscuring the chaos behind him. Screams are heard.
REPORTER
...I repeat - men with huge fucking wings have
laid waste to St. Michael's... Bullets don't seem
to affect them... police who were on the scene are
dead... The remaining crowd has dropped to their
knees, identifying this as the fabled Apocalypse..
I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree
with them..
(looking OC)
NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!!
(pulls gun)
PLEASE!! Please...
He puts the gun in his mouth and fires. The screen goes blank.
AZRAEL
(snapping off TV)
You see that? And I told them to keep a low
profile. I'd be pissed, but in a couple of
minutes, it won't matter anymore.
While he speaks, Serendipity looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob snaps to attention, and locks eyes with Serendipity. He looks to the golf club, then back at her. He nods.
Azrael suddenly catches the exchange between the two.
AZRAEL
Now what was that all about?
SERENDIPITY
Hunhh? Oh. nothing. I had something in my eye.
AZRAEL
(getting up)
Bullshit. What are you trying to do, Serendipity -
get the guy killed? Now who's the fucking child?
What did you tell him - to hit me with the golf
club? Are you serious?
(picks up golf club)
I'm a fucking demon, and you'd have him assault me
with athletic equipment?
(hands club to Silent Bob)
Well, here then - take it. Call it a gift.
(stands back and hits his own chest)
Take a shot - take your best shot. C'mon - c'mon,
bright boy.
The Stygian Triplets snicker. Silent Bob stares at Azrael, perplexed.
AZRAEL
Don't you know anything?
Silent Bob looks to Serendipity. She nods. He shrugs and swings the club with all his might into Azrael's chest - which caves in, blowing muck and shit everywhere.
Rufus, Jay, and Serendipity turn on their captors, grabbing the Stygian Triplets by the throats.
SERENDIPITY
BETHANY! BLESS THE SINK!
BETHANY
WHAT?!?
SERENDIPITY
DO IT!
Bethany leaps over the bar, pushing over the dead bartender, and blesses the melting-ice filled sink. Serendipity urges Rufus and Jay to follow her, with the Triplets in hand. They submerge them - head first - in the sink. Cruddy steam and muck blows out of the water. The Triplets convulse and fall still.
Azrael clutches at his sucking chest wound, dropping to his knees. He grabs Silent Bob's leg. Silent Bob kicks him onto his back and out cold.
JAY
(joining Silent Bob)
What the fuck have you been eating?
Silent Bob shrugs.
BETHANY
What just happened?
SERENDIPITY
(collecting hockey sticks)
He said it himself - he's a demon. You hit a demon
with an instrument of God - the pure side's always
going to do the most damage.
JAY
Silent Bob's an instrument of God?!
SERENDIPITY
No - but the driver is.
BETHANY
(catching on)
And Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless
his own clubs for a better game. And the sink...?
SERENDIPITY
You've got that Divine heritage going for you -
sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits.
BETHANY
Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my
next party.
(to Jay)
How far away is this church?
JAY
Three towns over - about five miles.
BETHANY
We've gotta make tracks, people - there isn't much
time left. Rufus, grab his gun.
RUFUS
Ten steps ahead of you.
BETHANY
(going through dead bartender's pockets)
We can take the bartender's car - I don't think
he'll be needing it anymore.
Bethany and Serendipity rush out.
JAY
We gonna make it?
RUFUS
Was Jesus down?
Rufus and Jay exit. Silent Bob stares down at Azrael's body. Jay comes back and yanks him out the door.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Cardinal Glick runs to a pay phone. Sweating and bloody, he looks a mess. He presses '0' and looks around wildly - particularly skyward.
GLICK
(to God)
Look, if you didn't like the cereal thing, we
could've gone in a different direction!
(to phone)
OPERATOR! SEND MORE POLICE TO SAINT. MICHAEL'S
PARISH - NOW!! PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED BY...!
As he speaks, a large shadow falls over him from above. It grows larger, enveloping Click. He drops the receiver, drops to his knees, and screams.
EXT. SAINT MICHAEL'S - DAY
Bethany, Jay, Serendipity, Silent Bob, and Rufus stare OC, horrified.
JAY
Holy shit.
Bodies, bodies everywhere - partial, whole, bloody - hanging, burning, upended. No one is left standing. It's a scene straight out of Hell. Bethany buries her face in Rufus' chest.
JAY
See? And people wonder why I don't go to church.
BETHANY
Are we too late?
SERENDIPITY
To save these poor schmucks, yes. But we still
exist.
BETHANY
Where are they?
RUFUS
They could already be in the church.
SERENDIPITY
Which means that if they come out, nobody touches
them.
JAY
Are you shitting me? The brother here is going to
shred them with his Schwarzenneger special - ain't
you, homey?
SERENDIPITY
If they've passed through that arch, they come out
clean. And if they die, they go straight up - and
we know what happens then.
JAY
What if they just kill themselves?
BETHANY
They can't - it's a mortal sin. You die with a
mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They'd go to
hell, and that's not what they're after.
JAY
So then what the fuck are we supposed to do?! Just
wait for a solution to fall out of the sky?!
On cue, a body plummets out of the sky and hits the ground before the group, quite like Rufus had, way back at the start. This body, however, bursts apart like a body would if dropped from a large height. Jay looks at Rufus.
JAY
Friend of yours?
RUFUS
'fraid not.
OC VOICE
It was a Cardinal.
They all turn to see Loki, leaning against a body or two, drinking from a bottle of champagne. His wings lie beside him, filthy - blood spattered and ashen. He looks exhausted. Rufus trains the gun on him.
LOKI
Kind of hard to tell with his face like that, but
the Rosaries are a dead giveaway.
JAY
(goes for the Uzi)
IT'S ONE OF THEM!! KILL IT!!!
BETHANY
(struggling to stop him)
NO...!
She slaps the Uzi out of Jay's grip. It clatters to the side.
BETHANY
(to Jay)
Don't you listen?! We can't touch them!
JAY
I wasn't gonna touch him, I was gonna shoot him!
LOKI
(looking skyward)
He's been at it for awhile now.
In the distance above - a mere shadow against the sky - something winged soars and stops, releasing what looks like a very panicky human being.
OC LOKI
We ran out of parishioners, so he just started
picking up anyone off the street. You're looking
at eons of repression getting purged. If only we'd
been able to jerk off.
Loki drags himself a few feet backwards.
LOKI
I'd step back if I were you.
They jump back just as the body hits the ground and explodes. Bethany charges at Loki, grabs his lapels, and shakes him furiously.
BETHANY
WHY?!? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE?!? ALL
THESE PEOPLE - WHY?!?
JAY
(to Rufus)
I thought we weren't supposed to touch them?
RUFUS
I think our Bethany's about hit her ceiling.
Loki slaps Bethany away, non-chalantly.
LOKI
This wasn't my idea. alright? I just wanted to go
home.
(takes a big champ agne swig)
We both wanted to go home. But he snapped. When he
realized who you were and what you'd have to do,
he just lost it.
(smiles)
You know what's funny about it? He never could
stand to see me work. He said he always felt sorry
for you people - that you didn't know any better.
(looks up)
Now look at him.
JAY
This guy's drunker than hell.
SERENDIPITY
Which means he's human now - his wings have been
cut off.
(slapping Loki to sober him up)
Loki! Loki!
LOKI
(recognizing her)
The Muse. Haven't seen you in a long time. What's
with the tits?
SERENDIPITY
Loki - have you walked through the arch yet?
C'mon. tell me! Have you gone in and come out
through the archway yet?!
VOICE
No.
Bartleby lands beside them, draping his wings at his sides, brushing himself off.
BARTLEBY
We were awaiting your arrival.
SERENDIPITY
Bartleby - listen to me! You can't go through with
this! Azrael was just using you! If you go back
this way...
Bartleby slaps her down.
BARTLEBY
I've become aware of the repercussions, Muse. I
know what I'm doing.
Bethany leaps at him, all fists and fury.
BETHANY
YOU FUCK! YOU SICK, TWISTED FUCK!! LOOK WHAT
YOU'VE DONE!! LOOK AT All YOU'VE DONE...!
Bartleby subdues her. He strokes her hair.
BARTLEBY
Bethany - you of all people should understand what
I'm trying to accomplish here. You too have been
abandoned. You know what it's like to be cast
aside. But while you've only felt the devastating
effects for a few years, I've dealt with it for
millennia. And while you never see your ex-husband
or how blissful he is with his new wife...
(picks up her face and smiles at her)
And he is...
(drops her head)
..seeing you people everywhere, everyday, trapped
on this perfect little world He created for you...
it's a constant reminder that though my kind came
first, your kind was most revered. And your kind
knows forgiveness, while my kind knows regret. A
lesson must be taught. All are accountable... even
God.
(steps back)
Soon a cadre of police will arrive, just in time
to kill us as we exit the church. And then this
failed experiment called existence will cease to
be.
Loki stumbles to his feet.
LOKI
I can't... let you do this, Bartleby...
(he sways as if drunk)
I didn't know we... would end existence...
BARTLEBY
(to Bethany)
My compatriot. Genocide takes a lot out of him.
He's weakened. And more importantly, he's now a
human being. A condition that carries two
liabilities: a conscience...
Bartleby pulls a knife and guts Loki. He stares at Bartleby as he dies, confused and betrayed. Serendipity nods to Rufus and Silent Bob.
BARTLEBY
..and a short life span.
(in a whisper; to Loki)
Sorry, old friend - but you lost the faith.
Rufus and Serendipity and Silent Bob jump Bartleby and start throwing punches. Silent Bob bites his wing. Jay grabs Bethany and pulls her behind a bush.
BETHANY
(peering out from behind)
He's lost it! We're fucked! We're absolutely
fucked!
JAY
(pulling off clothes)
I hear you.
BETHANY
I can't believe this shit! We're on the brink of
nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found!
What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?!
JAY
(pulling open pants)
Amen to that.
BETHANY
(suddenly notices him)
What the hell are you doing?!
JAY
I'd say we've got about five minutes left to live;
the whole world's going to end. You said you'd
fuck me.
BETHANY
Are you a complete lunatic?! Everyone's out there
battling that thing and you want to cower back
here and jump my bones?! We have to go down
fighting!
JAY
No - no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex.
BETHANY
You pig...!
JAY
What?! It's all over; nobody's gonna beat that
thing! Now we can either lay here all comatose
like that John Doe Jersey bastard behind us, or we
can make with the love.
Bethany freezes.
BETHANY
(finally!)
What did you say?!
JAY
'Make with the love'? I just said that to be
sensitive. Usually I call it boning.
BETHANY
No - about John Doe Jersey?
JAY
That guy - the one that they won't take off life
support - John Doe Jersey. This is where he's at.
BETHANY
What? Where?
JAY
Saint Michael's hospital - over there.
(points behind them)
There, across the street, sits a HOSPITAL.
BETHANY
(thinks)
Where's the nearest boardwalk?
JAY
Look, I ain't got time to win you a prize or
something, we gotta get to it before...
BETHANY
WHERE IS IT?!?
JAY
(scared)
Asbury Park. About five miles away.
BETHANY
You ever been there?!
JAY
(really scared)
Once. I was banging this girl who worked at the
carousel. She wanted to do it on the ride, but I
got sick and started puking...
BETHANY
(grabs his face)
DO THEY HAVE SKEE-BALL THERE?!?
JAY
(piss-scared; high pitched)
...yes.
Bethany kisses Jay hard on the lips, jumps up and looks over the bush.
JAY
(warming up)
Now that's more like it.
Rufus and Serendipity battle Bartleby, his wings thrashing about. Silent Bob is getting back on his feet.
BETHANY
BOB!
Silent Bob looks to Bethany. She waves him over and bends back down to Jay who half-closes his eyes, and puckers his lips. Bethany pinches his lips together and raises Jay to his feet, just as Silent Bob arrives.
BETHANY
(to Jay)
Whatever you do - stall Bartleby from going into
that church!
(to Silent Bob)
Bob - come with me!
(they exit)
JAY
(calling after them)
How am I supposed to stall him?!
OC BETHANY
Think of something.
JAY
(calling off)
I already did, but it takes two of us!
Jay shakes his head and turns around. He ducks quickly, avoiding a thrashing wing. Pissed, he leaps out of the bush.
EXT. SAINT. MICHAEL'S HOSPITAL - DAY
Bethany and Silent Bob rush in against a thrall of people rushing out, screaming.
INT. RECEPTION DESK
Nobody's there. Bethany leaps over the desk and starts banging keys on the computer. Silent Bob ducks screaming passerby. Bethany snaps back up.
BETHANY
Fifth floor, ICU. Let's go!
They book up the hallway.
EXT. SAINT. MICHAEL'S CHURCH - DAY
Bartleby shakes Rufus off and grabs Serendipity by the throat.
Jay steps up to the Uzi, grabs it, and clicks off the safety. He trains it on Bartleby.
JAY
HEY! BIG BIRD!!
Bartleby looks up from choking Serendipity.
JAY
READY FOR THE COUNTING GAME?! COUNT THE SHELLS!!
SERENDIPITY
NO!!!
Bartleby throws Serendipity to the side and ducks. spreading his wings out to their full span.
SLO-MO: Jay fires, Uzi blasting.
SLO-MO: Bartleby's wings shred into feathers and bone fragment.
SLO-MO: Serendipity' and Rufus race toward Jay.
SLO-MO: The last bit of wing left on Bartleby's back falls to the ground.
Jay drops the Uzi, just as Serendipity' and Rufus reach him.
JAY
No more bu-wets. But I clipped him!
Rufus looks at Jay ruefully and slaps his head.
JAY
Oww! What the hell did you do that for?!
SERENDIPITY
Angels have to cut their wings off to become human.
RUFUS
You just did him a favor, stupid.
Bartleby lifts himself up. He looks around. He reaches back to where his wings were and dips his fingers into the blood. He looks at it and laughs.
INT. SAINT. MICHAEL'S HOSPITAL - DAY
THE OLD MAN - the one from the very beginning (remember him) lays in the intensive care ward, hooked up to all types of machines.
Bethany and Silent Bob look at him through the glass, then to each other.
BETHANY
I'll do it.
OC NoMAN
No one... touches the God-husk!
NoMan the Golgothan tears down the ward toward them.
Bethany and Silent Bob look at each other. They both nod, understanding what has to happen. Bethany kisses Silent Bob hard on the lips.
BETHANY
Stall him!
Bethany tears into the room with John Doe Jersey. Silent Bob pulls out the small can of air freshener. He sprays it, but nothing comes out - it's empty. He shrugs, throws the can to the side, blesses himself, glowers at NoMan, bellows a war cry, and charges ahead, full speed.
Bethany looks down at the lifeless Old Man. She smiles.
BETHANY
I hope you're the skee-ball type.
She yanks the cords from the wall and from the Old Man's body. Beeping-warnings go off and the Old Man's body convulses.
Silent Bob charges toward NoMan. NoMan charges right back.
EXT. SAINT MICHAEL'S CHURCH - DAY
Bartleby looks skyward.
BARTLEBY
THIS ENDS NOW! YOUR TIME HAS COME!!!
INT. SAINT MICHAEL'S HOSPITAL
Bethany looks on nervously as the Old Man's body thrashes.
Silent Bob charges closer to NoMan.
Suddenly, the convulsing of the Old Man's body stops. A smile crosses his face.
And out of nowhere - HUGE FUCKING LIGHT erupts from his chest, shooting through the ceiling. One stray branching off to touch...
NoMan the Golgothan. Struck by a beam, he screams and explodes scattering what looks like hard clay everywhere.
Silent Bob - charging forward, eyes closed - races over the top of the destroyed Golgothan, smashing head first into the wall at the end of the corridor.
Bethany climbs to her feet and looks into the bed. There's no sign of the light. She quickly turns to exit and is lanced with a hockey stick through her stomach.
A badly burned, half-decomposed Stygian Triplet pushes the blade into Bethany, laughing. Silent Bob kicks the door open, grabs the thing by the arm and whips it through the window. He wipes off his hand and turns around. His expression goes pale.
EXT. SAINT MICHAEL'S
Bartleby storms across the pavement, racing for the church doors. He reaches them and flings them open. HUGE FUCKING LIGHT blinds him, and he drops to his knees. Cowering, he looks up.
Metatron stands beside a VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN - in the doorway.
METATRON
Oh Bartleby... was Wisconsin really that bad?
Serendipity and Rufus drop to their knees and bow. Jay looks at them.
JAY
Now what the hell's going on?! Who's the
super-model?!
RUFUS
(pulling at Jay's cuff)
Bow down, stupid.
Metatron steps away. The Woman stares at Bartleby. Bartleby cowers. fetal-like. The Woman lays Her hand on his shoulder, helping him to his feet. He stands in awe. She embraces him. He weeps, joyfully. She steps back and looks at Metatron. Metatron nods and addresses Jay, Rufus, and Serendipity.
METATRON
Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of
existence would do well to cover their ears right
about now.
Serendipity and Rufus tackle Jay and hug his head, covering his ears as tightly as they can.
The Woman turns back to Bartleby. Her expression hardens. His eyes widen, and then he nods in understanding. He manages a half-smile.
BARTLEBY
Thank you.
The Woman opens her mouth and emits a noise so cacophonous, it calls to mind the days of Sens-a-round. It's a mixture of trumpets, whale-songs, fog-horns, and a sonic-boom. It remains one long note that builds in intensity.
Bartleby's head explodes, as does his chest. His body drops to his knees and falls forward. The Woman closes her mouth and the noise stops. She walks away.
Rufus and Serendipity look up, releasing Jay. They drop to their bowing positions. Jay's in a panic. The Woman joins Metatron again.
JAY
What the fuck is this?! Who the fuck is this
chick?! Why the fuck did you hug my head?!
METATRON
Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
The Woman nods.
JAY
What the fuck is this - 'The Piano'? Why ain't
this broad talking?!
METATRON
Young man, I believe the answers you seek are
within my companion's eyes.
JAY
What the fuck does that mean?! Has everyone just
gone nuts?! What the fuck happened to that guy's
head?! I want some...
The Woman stands before Jay and looks him in the eyes. Jay freezes. His expression softens. The Woman slowly smiles at him, leans forward, and kisses his cheek. She exits, leaving Jay standing there, speechless.
SERENDIPITY
Where was She?!
METATRON
Imprisoned in a body, as I supposed. Bethany
figured it all out. Clever girl, that one.
(to Rufus)
Are you ready to go back, Apostle?
RUFUS
(getting up)
You ready to make some of those changes I've been
talking about?
METATRON
We'll see.
(to Serendipity)
Muse, seeing as how you just had to get involved,
I guess I should ask you as well - would you like
to return?
SERENDIPITY
Only if She asks me nicely.
METATRON
Have fun in the titty clubs.
SERENDIPITY
I'm just kidding. Sheesh! First I gotta say
goodbye to Bethany - where is she?
Silent Bob joins them, eyes glassy, carrying the lifeless Bethany.
RUFUS
Oh no...
SERENDIPITY
Metatron... is she...?
METATRON
I'm afraid so. One of the drawbacks to being a
martyr is that you have to die. But no matter -
all is being taken care of.
SERENDIPITY
How so?
METATRON
Wax on, wax off.
(points OC)
The Woman rolls up Her sleeves and slaps Her palms together - Mister Miyagi style - and rubs them furiously. She places both hands over Bethany's wound and presses down. Bethany snaps her eyes open and jolts forward, coughing. She looks up and sees Metatron.
BETHANY
You! But... I was... how did I...?!
METATRON
You didn't. You died. But She can rebuild you. She
has the technology. She can make you better,
stronger, faster.
Bethany looks at the Woman. The Woman smiles and heads off.
BETHANY
That's...
METATRON
A very relieved deity. You did well, little girl.
I knew you'd come around - your kind always does.
RUFUS
Even Jesus took some convincing.
METATRON
Must we demystify everything? Shut up.
(to Bethany)
Take good care of yourself. We're going to need
you down the road.
BETHANY
I know. I'm the Last Scion.
METATRON
My dear, misinformed lass. You are not the Last
Scion.
(Metatron pats her stomach)
This is the Last Scion.
BETHANY
(beat)
I'm... pregnant?!?
METATRON
Can't put anything past you. Take care of that
parcel for us. He or She has a world of work ahead
of it.
Bethany looks at her stomach, then follows after the Woman. She catches up to the Woman and taps Her on the shoulder. The Woman turns and faces Bethany.
BETHANY
Um... thank you, for... I don't know...
everything.
The Woman smiles.
BETHANY
There's a million questions I wish I could ask,
most all questioning what I'm sure is your great
plan, and that would be really arrogant of me, I
know. But there is one I'd like to ask, and I'm
sure you get it all the time, but how many
opportunities like this will I get.
(inhales and exhales)
Why are we here?
The Woman stares at her for a long beat.
WOMAN
I have one word for you; just one.
(She leans forward)
Plastics.
The Woman smiles and pats Bethany on the back. She walks away, followed by Metatron.
METATRON
Didn't I tell you She was funny?
Serendipity joins Bethany.
SERENDIPITY
You know, she's never even said anything to me.
She must really like you.
BETHANY
That's a plus.
SERENDIPITY
I really enjoyed meeting you.
(hugs her)
It was an honor. You did so well! I'll see you in
a couple of years.
(skipping away)
I told you She was a woman.
Serendipity catches up with the Woman and Metatron. Rufus lays his hand on Bethany's shoulder.
RUFUS
She's not really a woman. She's not really
anything.
BETHANY
No - She's something, alright. Something
comforting.
RUFUS
Crisis of faith over?
BETHANY
I think I'm now burdened with an over-abundance.
RUFUS
When it rains, it pours. You saying you believe?
BETHANY
No.
(beat)
I have a really good idea . Beliefs are too
dangerous.
She smiles at him. He hugs her.
RUFUS
What you did was incredible. The Man was right
about you. I'm gonna go home and tell Him so.
(to Jay and Silent Bob)
And I'll put in a good word for you two as well.
Rufus walks away.
SILENT BOB
Thanks.
Jay hits Silent Bob and shakes his head at him.
The Woman, Metatron, Serendipity, and Rufus step into a cloud of smoke and disappear.
Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob stand there, looking on.
JAY
(after a long pause)
You wanna hear something sick? I got half a stock
when she kissed me.
BETHANY
(shakes her head)
Jay!
JAY
I couldn't help it! The bitch was hot!
BETHANY
Knock it off.
JAY
You know, pregnant women can have sex up until
their third trimester.
BETHANY
I'll keep that in mind.
Cop cars and fire trucks start to pull up.
END
