Horsie 

Why is it that girls go through the horse stage and boys don’t ? It always happens just before puberty. They start wearing jodhpurs to school and collect swop cards with pictures of horses on them and talk constantly about how beautiful they are. And then a year later they discover boys. So you’ve gotta wonder. Why at this age ? Why at all ? The obvious explanation is the sexual thrill of riding the horse. But it must be more than that. 
 

Big Issue 

If you haven’t started reading the Big Issue yet, then you should. Its the best magazine around. Not just because its got a social conscience and takes an active approach to solving the problems of unemployment, but because it is truly interesting and entertaining. Certain people like Kennett should read it carefully. 

  
Brain 

You can tell how a person’s brain works by the way they walk and sit in a chair. Someone who is a maths/ science/ engineer (left brain) thinker are more likely to sit straight in their chair often with their arms folded. They walk at a controlled pace and are more likely to walk in straight lines. Someone who is a creative/liberal/arts (right brain) thinker is more likely to sit leaning in the chair with their legs in a range of different positions and walk at an uneven pace, often changing direction and pace. 
  

Avoid 

I’ve found it is good personal policy to be weary of guys who display any of the following characteristics:. 
 

1. Shave their side-burns higher than the top of their ear (above the natural hair line.). 

2. Wear tie-pins. (anally retentive) 

3. Carry photos of their girlfriend in their wallet. 

4. Shake hands every time you see them. (everyone secretly hates a toucher) 

5. Tells too many jokes (everyone secretly hates a joke teller) 

Sharks Aren’t Scary 

Enough already of telly shows where the hosts or contestants have to swim with sharks. Sure, it was very very scary the first time, but its getting tedious. None of the sharks are maneaters and they get a regular feed so quit with the histrionics. The only show to do it with any class was "Who Dares Wins". They had scary music and Mike Whitney yelling "here comes the shark !" 
 

Names 

The name is one of the key success factors in the marketing of a product. Here’s a list of effective product names. It begs the question, is it the name the makes the product effective or is it the product that makes the name work ? 

Snapple, Dr Pepper, Nirvana, Oasis, Apple, Coon, Virgin, Pepsi, Coca Cola (also known as "Coke"), 7-11, the Footy Show, MTV, the Great Australian Ice-Creamery, Dunkin Donuts, the Bagelry, Bamix, Esky, Hoover, Lux, McLeans, Carlton Cold, Polly Woffle, Vegemite............ 
  

Isn’t it ironic ? 

Defining irony is a difficult thing to do. Like Winona Ryder said in Reality Bites "I can’t define it.....but I know what it is !" The Collins Australian Pocket English Dictionary (which is too large to fit in even the biggest of pockets - is that irony ?) defines irony as "an expression in which the intended meaning of the words is the opposite of their usual sense." "An event or a result that is the opposite of what might be expected." But does Alanis Morrisette know what irony is ? How ironic are the scenarios in her million selling song "ironic". Here’s my rating (on a scale of 1-10)....... 
 

An old man turned 98 

He won the lottery and died the very next day. 

  
Irony Rating: 7 - If he had been buying a lottery ticket every day of his life and had dreamed of the material pleasure a win could provide him then this scenario is quite ironic. However, if he bought a ticket in the hope that he would have something to leave his children then it is just good fortune. 
 

Its a black fly in your Chardonnay 
  

Irony Rating: 6 - When you first think about it, it just sounds like bad luck - a waste of money, A fly spoils a nice glass of wine. But if you picture the dirty black fly in a beautiful glass of prestige Chardonnay then it has elements of irony. 
  

Its a death row pardon two minutes too late 
  

Irony Rating: 7 - If you go by the dictionary meaning then Its probably not very ironic. But situations/occurrences like this are generally accepted to be "ironic". 
  

Its like rain on your wedding day 
  

Irony Rating: 1 - This is just misfortune. Its not irony. 
  

Its a free ride when you’ve already paid 
  

Irony Rating: 5 
  

Its the good advice that you just didn’t take 
  

Irony Rating: 4 - This is a matter of poor judgement not irony. 
  

Mr Play it Safe was afraid to fly 

He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. 

He waited his whole damn life to take that flight 

And as the plane crashed down he thought "well isn’t this nice". 
 

Irony rating: 3 - I don’t understand what this means. I can’t see any irony here at all. 
  

A traffic jam when you’re already late 
  

Irony Rating: 4 - more bad luck. 
  

A non-smoking sign in your cigarette break 
  

Irony Rating: 7 

Its like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. 
 

Irony Rating: 8 - this kind of situation is generally thought to be ironic. 
  

Its meeting the man of your dreams 

and then meeting his beautiful wife 
  

Irony Rating: 5 - if this was to be ironic then Alanis would have to be assuming that the man of her dreams would be equally as attracted to her. According to the Collins definition of irony the event or result must be opposite to what might be expected. 

90’s BOGAN 
 

What makes a 90’s Bogan different to an 80’s Bogan ? 
  

an 80’s Bogan had a long at the back short at the front haircut. 

a 90’s Bogan has a ponytail revealing an "undercut". 
  

an 80’s Bogan had a key holder attached to their skin tight acid wash jeans. 

a 90’s Bogan has a mobile phone attached to their hip hop jeans. 
 

an 80’s Bogan listened to Bon Jovi and Metallica 

a 90’s Bogan listens to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Faith No More. 

  
an 80’s Bogan hung out at the Rollerdisco. 

a 90’s Bogan hangs out at the Casino. 
 

an 80’s Bogan drank Jack Daniels and Coke. 

a 90’s Bogan walks around shopping centres drinking a can of pre-mix Wild Turkey and Cola. 
  

an 80’s bogan smoked Peter Jackson or Winny Blue. 

a 90’s bogan smokes Holiday. 

What Next for teeth ? 
 

How much further can the tooth people go ? A list of developments in toothbrush and toothpaste in the last few years is quite impressive. 
 

angled head toothbrush 

tooth brush with grip (saves your hand from slipping) 

tooth brush with sparkles ! 

tooth brush that tells you it has worn out (blue bristles) 

toothpaste with tartar control 

toothpaste with push button squeeze. 

toothpaste with minty gel 

toothpaste with baking soda (my favourite) 

toothpaste with peroxide 

toothpaste that makes your teeth chatter...................