I wish to talk about a serious problem that affects many people in today’s society, not just the elderly - incontinence. In order to further understand this issue, it was decided to conduct a social experiment into the problem. The experiment would be done as such: I would wear a "Tena" incontinence "nappy" whilst shopping in Chapel St. 
 

My first impression of the nappy was how big it was - very bulky. It contained much padding and elastic which is re-assuring as one does not want to experience spillage in public. The nappy fits like a regular disposable nappy. That is, sticky straps are used to secure it and prevent it from falling off. At first it was not very comfortable. I noticed I had chosen a large nappy which was too big for me. It felt very loose and gave me no support in the crutch. I’m not sure if the large size was meant for heavier men or men with bigger penises than I. I tightened the nappy significantly, put my pants on and was ready to go. I felt the pad was obvious through my pants by sheer size. It also made a rustling noise when I walked, so if f you ever suspect someone wears a nappy, just listen. 
 

On the way to Chapel St I realised the cotton padding felt strangely sensuous and thought I was going to get a semi-chubby. I soon started to feel more comfortable in my new undergarment and started to get a tad cocky. Beginning to revel in the situation, I asked my driver how much he would pay me if I defecated in the nappy - he was unamused. 
 

I self-consciously started my walk along Chapel St, sure everyone was looking at me. We went into Dixon’s Recycled Records and I slowly started to relax. Next it was off to the Asian bread shop and thus far my nappy hadn’t fallen off. As I crossed the road I had fears of being run over and the ambulance driver and public discovering my secret, or worse, the police suspecting I was a drug courier and strip searching me outside the $2 shop. I put my fears behind me and continued my journey, this time to Coles. 
 

We walked around the supermarket and my research assistant began to bug me to "do the job". Every few moments he would look at me and say "have you done it yet ?" I began to feel under a lot of pressure and started to make excuses like "I don’t think I’ve had enough to drink". But he didn’t believe me so I knew what I had to do. As he selected hams from the delicatessen I put the nappy to its intended purpose and urinated. By my embarrassed expression Russell immediately knew what I had done and nearly collapsed on the floor with tears of laughter. I thought the nappy would fail and that I would have wee wee running down my leg at any moment, but this did not happen and just like the ads say, the moisture was drawn away leaving me feeling dry. admittably I didn’t go for a full-on slash as I don’t think they are designed for full-on slashes. 
 

After picking Rusty up off the floor I told him I was ready to leave. We went for another short walk along Chapel St then returned to the car. I wondered if there would be any odour as I hopped in but Rusty didn’t say anything so I didn’t ask. 
 

When we got home I removed my nappy with some trepidation thinking wees would flow out everywhere but it was safe in the absorbent cotton by now. I washed my pee pee for fear of nappy rash - not a good look on adults - and powdered myself just like mummy used to do. It is strangely empowering to know that you have urinated in public. As I paid the check-out chick I kept thinking "you don’t know that I’ve just pissed my pants" and it made me want to do it all over again. 
 

So next time you meet an incontinent person, don’t shun them, welcome them, they live in a world we know little about. In many cases they are more fortunate than us. Just think, not having to queue for a piss at the pub or the footy, not having worry about losing the chick you’ve just picked up on the dancefloor to some other geezer whilst you unnecessarily go to the dunny. No, the incontinent amongst us are truly the lucky ones and we should not only feel privileged to know them , we should follow their lead. Happy urinating..