A short historical interlude. 

My first taste of pornography was at an U14 cricket break-up party. Our cricket coach, who used to give kids free bottles of Slades Cola after training, invited us back to his house after the last game for a "party". He said he didn’t have time to buy a video, but encouraged us to look through his collection. One of the older boys was delighted to find a video called DEBBIE DOES DALLAS. In my pure innocence I had never heard of it, but this kid was intent on putting it on. Judging by the first few scenes which involve cheerleaders in the locker room I began to realise that this was a film with naked girls in it. A huge cheer went up in the room when the camera panned to a girl washing her pussy in the shower room. I had never seen a close up of a pussy in Revenge of the Nerds or Porky’s. I couldn’t believe they could have such explicit things on video. Imagine my surprise when the girls started sucking on these huge cocks ! 

For those of you who have never seen DDD, there’s some pretty amazing stuff in there for a young mind. The possibility of a girl putting things like candles into their orifices had never occurred to me. And the scene where the old librarian gets his thrills from smacking the girl’s bottom I just didn’t get at all. I’m sure one of the guys shot green cum. Confusing. The other thing I vividly remember is that our great coach brought out hotdogs during one of the HJ scenes with this big dirty grin on his face.  

When mum picked me and my mate up from the party we told her that we watched a video of Back to the Future.  
 
***** 

Remember how I said I got into the business by dumb luck ? Well the first stroke came when a guy who I wasn’t really friends with gave me a big stack of pornography mags ( I think he used to work in a newsagency - at least that’s where he said he got them). Being the little capitalist fucker that I was back then I decided I might make a few dollars selling them. There was a couple of hardcore ones but mostly they were English ones that had lots of pictures of ladies knickers and school girls. 

My second stroke of luck came when I found some pretty hardcore numbers in a rubbish hopper near Riversdale station. I’m not quite sure what I was doing looking through a rubbish hopper, but that’s the sort of thing you do when you’re a kid I suppose. 

So I had the perfect little economic situation. A huge amount of pornography (supply) and a school full of horny kids (demand). 
 
My biggest problem was storage but I soon became quite ingenious at hiding them around my bedroom: inside record covers (my Gang Gajang record has never been the same since), under the mattress, behind my wardrobe, outside in the garden wrapped up in layers of plastic bags, next to beer and other naughty stuff. 
 
Business began fairly slowly but I had few kids who bought on more than one occasion. My best customer was an Asian kid who didn’t have much English and grey teeth. He would come up to me when I was at my locker and ask me if I had the "books". I felt a bit sorry for him because of the grey teeth so I sold them to him for a special price of five dollars. (this wasn’t a charity after all) 

I employed a kid down the road who went to Melbourne Grammar School which was full of horny, rich kids who I guessed made up for the lack of females at their school by having a real thirst for porn. I got $20 a pop for a magazine and let the agent keep five dollars. After a while I began to suspect that he was taking more than the agreed fee as he started saying he could only sell them for $10. But hell, I was moving units. I can remember stuffing $10 notes into the third drawer down on my chest of drawers. (I didn’t put stuff like that in the bottom drawer - that would be the obvious place, just as I never get in the last carriage of the train because that’s where everyone thinks they’re going to get a seat). 

The Expansion into Video Production (nearly) 
 
My mate’s dad had a few porno videos (Sex Boat, Babyface and the Fuckologist). 

When his parents went out we used to "crack out the prawns". He was absolutely fanatical about returning the video to his dad’s cupboard cued to exactly the same scene as where he found it. This involved not only (a) checking which scene it was up to (eg. girl masturbating in back of taxi) and (b) writing down what number the video counter was up to, but (c) pre-rolling and end-rolling to make sure it was the right scene. (after the 400th head job this can be necessary). 

 When his family bought a second video player the timing was perfect. The magazine business was starting to slow and I began to imagine the profit possibilities of dubbing videos. We purchased about 6 of the cheapest video cassettes that we could at the Reject Shop and joined the Cross Country running team. We sprinted to his house at lunchtime running training and began dubbing. Problem was we never had enough time to dub the videos........so the business never reached its potential........well never really happened at all. My days as the Porn King had reached an inauspicious end.